You Have Fewer Friends Than You Think

Your circle of friends is much smaller than you think it is.

Yes, you have many people who associate with you. Maybe you have thousands of “friends” and contacts on social media. But in reality, cold reality, your real friends are few. You find out who is really on your team when you get knocked down. Some people will kick you; most will ignore you, but a select few will reach down and pull you up. Another acid test is when you ask for something that requires a time or money commitment. And sadly, that “onerous” money commitment can be as little as $10.

No, when you need or ask for help, the acquaintances and associates scatter like flies or go “radio silent”. It is indeed in times of struggle that you do find “who your true friends are”.                                                              

Loyal To A Fault

Loyalty is a concept not shared equally among persons. Very loyal people expect the same level of commitment from people they consider friends. Unfortunately, disloyal people are willing to discard friendships, even long-term friendships, as quickly as flicking away an irritating bug when the relationship is no longer convenient. Sometimes, you find out there had never really been a friendship at all, as soon as the relationship hit a stress point or you asked for some type of commitment.

This results in the loyal person wondering what they did wrong to cause the relationship to end. Followed up by the “what’s wrong with me?” question. The loyal person will impulsively try to restore what they thought was a good friendship. They will apologize. They will make excuses for the other person. They may even try to change their behavior to make it work. But this effort will fail, and then the loyal person will be deeply hurt and go through the blame game repeatedly, sometimes beating themselves up for years. But while you are doing that, the other person has forgotten all about you. They may have even forgotten your name.

What you must realize is that the friendship was always one-sided. There is nothing wrong with you, except you are too loyal. And as with everything in life, even though loyalty is a good trait, there is a price to pay for having too much. Just like being too good, too nice, too trusting, too patient ….

But the problem here is with the other person. There is something wrong with them, not you. There is nothing you could have done to save this relationship because there was never really a friendship. You were an acquaintance, to be discarded as soon as it was convenient. This person does not value you as a friend, however, you are giving value to someone who deserves no value. The person has no value – the person literally is “not worth it”. Yes, you made a poor value judgment, but now it is time for a reevaluation. Trying to hold onto something which isn’t there is like trying to hug the air. It is a futile effort.

It Still Hurts, Though

It’s always painful for the “loyalists” when a friendship evaporates. And sometimes people you liked and trusted suddenly become mean, conniving backstabbers.

At the company I worked at the longest, I thought I had made several strong friendships that would last a lifetime. However, none of these people return my messages. And these were my best work friends. I needed to get in touch with one of them this summer regarding a business issue with my book. He didn’t return my voice mails; he didn’t return my emails. Finally, I mailed a letter explaining what I needed. Crickets. This is hurtful, but I need to let this go, and stop hugging the air.

Most of the time we can’t put a value on our friendships. However, a few years ago, a person I thought was a friend sold me out for a mere $50. If a friendship is not worth $50 to you, you are not a friend; you are a mere acquaintance. The fact that I am writing about this one indicates that I am still hugging the air a bit.

It’s All About Value

We make so many value judgements that we don’t evaluate which ones are faulty. Once you spot the sell-outs, the hangers-on, the passive-aggressors, don’t try to salvage the relationships. Don’t invest anything more in them. Cut them loose.

What you must do is find the people in your inner circle. Identify those who are on your team. And then nurture, support, help, and invest in those people with everything you have. Because it is these people who will support and help you when you need it. Support me and I will support you. It is such a simple concept, and yet very few people get it. Determine who is worthy of your investment and then invest in them. If you are on my team, there are benefits to being on my team.

A Warning

Be aware. Everyone you think is a friend, is not really your friend. Most are acquaintances, and sadly, some are even your enemies, or at least they find some perverse pleasure when you fail. I wish it didn’t have to be that way, but it is one of many human frailties in this game of life.

 

 

 

 

We Need A Lot Of Christmas Now

The plague of our age has resulted in us being fearful and isolated. These feelings are like those held captive, a form of torture. The captors, or those in power, take advantage of these feelings to manipulate and indoctrinate the prisoners.

And the people in power, including leaders of whatever movements are screaming at us at the moment, have used this year to divide us. To divide us by politics, to divide us by race, to divide us by philosophies, to divide us by religion. Even to divide us by whether we wear face coverings in public. To divide us any way they can.

The power brokers do this to acquire more power. If I can manipulate you, then I have control over you. I can make you speak and act just like a ventriloquist dummy. They have done this to me. They have done this to you. Because of the plague, they have been able to do this to all. If you are part of the culture, you have been exposed to it.

The result, is everyone is upset at everyone about everything. Everyone screaming at everyone. Until we are engulfed in a cesspool of hate. The vitriol generated this year is an abomination. It is a pox upon our souls.

Now, it is culturally acceptable to hate each other. People get praised for their hateful statements. Yes, hating is good if it’s for the right reason. “And my reasons are always just, and pure, and moral - just as I am. “And anyway, they started it.” But every derisive statement we make. Every snarky comment. Every proud post. Every nasty tweet - just generates more hate.

The deadliest force this year is not the transmission of a virus, from which most recover, but the spread of hate from one to another, from which we may never recover. There is a vaccine for the virus, and it will eventually cease. The hate? It will rage on. What we need, in the words of Bob Dylan, is a shot of love.

The virus separated us from our fellow humans, and then our gods and captors divided us. Socially-distanced, we are now staying six-feet away. But relationally-distanced, we are six-hundred miles apart.  

And into this sewer of hate, during the fury of the $h!t storms, enters Christmas. You may believe the holiday is ruined this year, but I believe that Christmas exists for a reason, but maybe not the reason you think. I believe that Christmas reminds us every year, how we should live. How we should live and interact with humankind. This message is not just for the faithful but for every person, everywhere. You don’t have to believe the story to believe in the concept. And I am certain the concept is to love our brothers and sisters – not to hate them.

The Christmas message is simple. When we complicate it in any way, we dilute its power. Christmas can be explicated in just one word, “Emmanuel” – which is unfolded in our language as “God is with us”. If God is with us, with us all, then the further we move from each other because of divisions, the further we all move away from God. So you see, the power kings aren’t just separating us from each other; they are separating us from God. We are being fed a steady diet of poison and it is killing us.

What would happen today if God was literally with us – again. Would we receive the gentle rebuke? Or would the voting machines get overthrown? Would the news stations crumble? Would the protest signs be thrown in the fire?

Christmas has arrived at the perfect time this year. If ever we needed God to be with us, it is right now. We need to stop the hate. We need to stop the hate. We need to stop the hate. O come all ye faithful, and you who are not faithful at all, and put a stop to this. Please stop this now.

The uniting message of Christmas is if God is with us and we are with God, then we are with each other. It doesn’t get any simpler or more direct than that. It is time to put away all the garbage you have collected this year. It is time to wash off the filth and mud from the derisive arguments. It’s time, it’s Christmastime, and it’s time to come together. It’s time to extend those tidings of comfort and joy to your friends and your enemies. And for that, we can truly rejoice.     

 

See The Need – Meet The Need (Purposeful Kindness – Part 2)

 If Purposeful Acts of Kindness, as contrasted with random acts of kindness, will be accomplished, we need to see an actual need that we can meet. This requires that we see the needs and be prepared to meet those needs.

In our busy, fast-paced society, with a cultural emphasis on having our needs met versus the needs of others, it isn't easy to see needs in real-time as they occur.

So, here’s the tactic I have used in the past during the Christmas season in order to help me “See The Need”.

1.    Take a $20 bill and designate it your “Meet The Need” money. At that point, it belongs to someone else. You just don’t know who yet.

2.    Place the bill somewhere in your change purse or wallet, but apart from with your other currency. Put it somewhere prominent, where you will see it every time you access your cash or credit cards. Tag it with a paper clip or sticky note if needed.

3.    Give the money to the first person you see in need – A Purposeful Act of Kindness. You have prepared to see the need and meet the need, so there is no need to think much about the situation- just act.

See The Need – Meet The Need

It is best to prepare your $20 bill on Thanksgiving, and a couple of times, I have “reloaded” when I gave the money away the first week of December.

You may ask The Creator to place people with needs in your path if you wish, because now you are prepared to meet them.

I do realize that Christmas 2020 is the worst time to suggest this. This tactic is dependent on getting out into the masses and interacting with groups of “strangers” in multiple settings, which is severely limited this year. But here we are. It’s 2020, and everything is messed up. I know I will need to post this next year, and probably every year, for as long as possible. And I will discuss more options for your $20 at the end of the post.

 Where The $20 Tactic Originated

Several years ago, I was teaching at Indiana Wesleyan University and began that December class by telling the students my Story of the Three Turkeys. (This is a long, but interesting story about how one Christmas I ended up with three turkeys for Christmas dinner. I will tell that story next year when I have more time.) I ended the story by explaining why I give away turkeys to people in need every Christmas and that I had given away two turkeys that year. The students loved the story up to that point, but then their mood changed. 

“Don, you said you received three turkeys in the story, but this year you only gave away two. You owe someone a turkey!” They were insistent, so I promised them I would give away a third turkey.

But I knew this would be difficult to do. I had given two $20 grocery store gift cards to unemployed friends but didn’t know anyone else who needed a turkey. It was already mid-December, and I didn’t have time to get to the store for another gift card. So, I took a $20 bill, stuck it on the outside pocket of my money clip, and vowed to give it to the first person I encountered who needed help.

But no prospects crossed my path the following week, and time was running out. My last day in the office before Christmas break was Thursday, and after that, I would have little contact with anyone.

However, Tuesday morning Denette sent out an email asking people in the office to donate money for a local family with five kids whose house and Christmas gifts had been destroyed by fire a couple of days earlier.

And that was it! That was the need I was looking for! However, I had work that required my immediate attention, so I didn’t make it over to Denette’s desk until late in the day. She got out her collection envelope and I handed her the $20. She looked down at the eight dollar bills that had been donated, a meager sum considering the office had over 200 workers, and the fire's story had been prominent in the news.

 “I don’t have enough change for you,” she lamented, not raising her head.

“No, keep it all,” I said.

She quickly raises her head, and with a look of gratitude I will never forget, says, “Really?”  I nod my head; she thanks me, and I leave.

And that’s when the Christmas happens, people.

And Now, For The Rest Of The Story

But there’s more to this story. You may enjoy it – or you may not, but I gotta tell it, regardless.

That night, a few hours after donating that $20, I was at a holiday poker game with a dozen or so guys from work. It was a friendly, fun time, with a modest $20 buy-in. I haven’t played much poker, but this was by far my most bizarre game. My luck was atrocious early in the match. I should have been the first player eliminated after only a half-hour of play, but somehow, I was able to survive through tremendous luck.

My fortunes then improved a little, but an hour later, I should have been eliminated a second time but again got extremely lucky and survived. I was then able to scratch and claw back into contention. And then I won a big, essential pot that eliminated two players and left me heads up, but against a player with a massive stack of chips. He should have squashed me like a bug. But he was inexperienced and made mistake after mistake. He had several opportunities to win the match, but my chip stack kept growing because he was inept. It was almost like he wanted to lose, and finally, he made so many mistakes that they handed me over $200 when I won the match.

It was Wednesday morning when I was back at work when I fully contemplated just what had happened the previous evening. The odds of me winning that match after staving off elimination twice and defeating a much better-funded opponent at the end were minuscule. I calculated my chance of winning that match based on the challenges I faced at about 1-in-four million. But in an eight-hour span, I hand over $20 to Denette and someone hands me back around $220. I’m not entirely sure just what  happened that day. It could have been a coincidence, and yet …..

Addendum

Please put the $20 in your wallet and be ready to See The Need. If you still have the money on Christmas Eve due to limited mobility/social distancing, donate it to the Salvation Army or local food bank.

I have made the decision to put a designated $20 bill in 

Kindness With A Purpose

 I don’t like “random acts of kindness”.

Don, are you insane? Random acts of kindness are terrific. They make me feel so good! What possible problem do you have with this?

Now the kindness part is excellent. It’s the randomness that I object to. Selecting someone at random to be kind to doesn’t make much sense to me.

The random acts of kindness you hear the about the most is someone paying for someone’s meal or coffee in the drive-thru line. But the receivers are chosen at random, with no consideration at all of need.

Yes, it may be fun to do, and it makes the giver and receiver feel good for a while, but it lacks purpose. And it’s more charity, than kindness. So, if you labeled these “random acts of charity”, it really loses its zing, doesn’t it? Few people would write a check and send it to a random, unnamed organization. And we shouldn’t be kind to people, just because it’s fun.

I much more prefer “purposeful acts of kindness”. This concept can be summarized in six words:

See the need – Meet the need

See the need – Meet the need

See the need – Meet the need

Even though the concept is simple, actually doing it the hard part. It’s not difficult to meet most of the needs you encounter. In those random acts of kindness, you are meeting a need that probably doesn’t even exist. In purposeful acts of kindness, the challenge is being able to see the real needs. This can be very tough to accomplish.

To see the needs, you must change your mindset. You must train your eyes to look for the needs. Those needs are all around us every day, but we don’t see them because we don’t look for them. Many of the needs are financial, but some aren’t.

The best example of this is THE MAN, whose time on earth could be broadly characterized as traveling around, seeing people’s needs, then meeting people’s needs. He could even see the needs that people didn’t  realize they had. Of course, he had supernatural perception to see the needs and unlimited ability to meet them.

But still, we must ….                                                            

See the need – Meet the need

See the need – Meet the need

See the need – Meet the need

Seeing the needs does not come naturally to us. It is a learned behavior. It requires us to approach life with our eyes wide open. It’s one of those frustrating things in life where I clearly know what I need to do, but often fail to do so. Personally, I do much better seeing the needs when I have time to process the situation. I don’t respond well, quickly, in the moment.

Here are two personal examples:

Several years ago, I was having breakfast at a Denny’s on a Sunday morning in Columbus, Ohio, after attending a wedding the previous night. It happened to be Father’s Day, and as I am eating, I notice a man arriving with his two young sons. I’m guessing the oldest being around five years of age.

I imagine they are nearby residents in the inner-city. The mother isn’t present. Now, this could be just a “boys” only event”, but sending a guy out with two young sons can be an adventure. Maybe he’s a single father. Perhaps this is a weekend visitation thing. Regardless, in a culture when men routinely abandon their young children and shirk their responsibilities, this guy had made a choice to take his two young sons out for breakfast on Father’s Day.

See the need – That guy should be rewarded for his effort.

We walked by their booth on the way out. I stopped, smiled, looked at everyone, placed a $20 bill on the table. Said, “Happy Father’s Day! Breakfast is on me”, and left.  Meet the need.

Oh yes, that looks so impressive Don, but let’s move on to example two:

Earlier this year (before social distancing), I was standing in line at the service counter at a grocery store, waiting to mail a package. The elderly lady in front of me at the counter was having some type of dispute with the clerk over a charge.

I could only make out bits of the discussion, but it was the type of dispute we all have been involved in. We think we have been unfairly charged and owed money back, but the store policy dictates we are not getting a refund. The amount in question was under $12. The older woman, of course, kept stating her case and becoming more agitated. The young clerk continued to repeat company policy, growing exasperated. I, was becoming impatient, having to wait until this debate ended, knowing my exchange would only take a minute to complete. Finally, the woman left upset because she didn’t get any money back.

I was still thinking about this encounter as I walked back to my car, when I realized I had failed to see the need, and subsequently failed to meet the need.

As soon as I ascertained the amount of money in dispute was minor, I could have intervened, gave the older woman $12, or even $20, if I didn’t have the exact amount, and wished her a nice day.

Instead of her being upset for the next few days and telling all her friends how horribly she was treated by that young, uncaring clerk, she would have been joyous she got her $12 back. And the clerk would also be happy that she did not upset an elderly customer by enforcing a store policy, which may not even have been fair in this instance.

In this case, I failed to see the need, even as it played out right in front of my face. And because I failed to see the need, I didn’t meet the need.

See the need – Meet the need

See the need – Meet the need

See the need – Meet the need

In part two, I will offer you a trick to help – see the need – this Christmas season.

  

 

How Empathy Works In Real Life (Empathy – Part 2)

 Empathy: “The action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another.” (Websters)

The previous post detailed why empathy is needed. Now, this is how it works in real life ….

Nancy and I grew up in nearby neighborhoods during the same era. We graduated from the same high school, the same year. Since then, we have both attained success in our careers, becoming respected professionals – not a small achievement, considering our middle-class, blue-collar roots. We are two highly intelligent professionals with seemingly very similar backgrounds.

So, we should hold matching political views, correct? No, not even close. We happen to be on different sides of the political spectrum.  

How is this possible? Nancy’s situation in her home growing up was very different than mine. Her childhood experiences instilled in her many different emotions, concepts, and feelings than mine. It gives her a different perspective and imparts deep empathy for people currently in the same situation as she once endured.

Nancy and I were friends but lost touch after high school. However, we now see each other occasionally at high school class get-togethers, and when we do, in addition to catching up on life, we discuss politics.

What? What? Why would you ever do that? Are you insane? You guys disagree on everything! You should never talk about politics.

No, these talks are not what you would expect in these hyper-partisan times. They are civil. No one shouts. No one even raises their voice. Each person calmly expresses a thought while the other listens, listens intently. And no one interrupts until the other person finishes speaking.

The conversations are honest. Each person feeling safe to express what they genuinely believe without fear of judgment or condemnation. Nancy even has this habit of grinning like an ornery 9-year-old right before saying something she knows I will strongly disagree with. And this is fine, because it is difficult to get angry when a person is smiling at you.  Nancy is my friend, and she trusts me. And I trust her, which leads to a more in-depth conversation.

The discussions are also at a very high level. These are two sagacious, intelligent, well-informed people, discussing deep, heavy, stuff. There are no talking points, there are no cliches, but there are admissions that there and injustices and things on both sides need to change.

The unexpected result of these discussions is that Nancy and I agree on much more than we disagree. The main differences exist about how to solve the problems we face. If more people could have these types of discussions, our nation would be better off, and some major, on-going problems just might get solved.

But this “magic” doesn’t happen without empathy. I understand why Nancy believes what she does, and she knows where I’m coming from. This realization allows us to have a discussion and not a debate. I’m not trying to change who she is.  Nancy is a beautiful person. She is the sum of her life experiences – such as I am, and we all are. My empathy allows me to value her and her opinions as she respects mine. I end of feeling positive at the end of our talks, instead of angry and exasperated when discussing these topics with other people.

The term “finding common ground” is thrown around a lot. It is much easier to locate that place when you understand, are aware of, and sensitive to the other person, or side as it may be.

Discussing difficult issues with Nancy gives me new insights into issues - new concepts to ponder. New ideas to consider. A perspective I would not possess if I didn’t risk having a deep, meaningful conversation with a friend whose views are much different than mine. But it only works with empathy. And that’s why we need more of it in our lives.

Empathy: “The action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another.” (Websters)

 

We Could Use A Shot Of Empathy Right Now

They are seemingly everywhere. The woman with the pronounced limp. The man moving slowly, leaning on his cane. The person arduously straining, climbing one step at a time. And it’s just not the elderly. The people having difficulty walking come in all ages. Call them the mobility-challenged individuals.

But you don’t notice them. They are invisible to you. They blend into the background. However, you are highly aware of them when they impede your progress. When they slow you down. It can be highly frustrating if you are behind the person climbing the stairs or approaching a single-door entrance or exit.

And that was my view of the mobility-challenged until last year when I suffered a physical malady which caused my right ankle to swell enormously. I was house-ridden for a couple of weeks, and the pain was so intense it was difficult to even move around the house.

Eventually, I was able to drive my car and venture out with the help of my cane. And that’s when I became aware of every mobility-challenged person I witnessed. My pain had made me sensitive to a group of people who were always there, but I never saw. Instinctively, I would ask myself:

What ailment is causing her problem?       

Is he in great pain?

Will she get any better – or worse?

Is this a permanent or temporary condition? (Especially if the person is young)

My pain had made me highly sensitive to the struggles, discomfort, and pain of others. Now it wasn’t “those” people. It was us, because I was one of those people. I had been given a large dose of what we call empathy.

Websters defines empathy as “The action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another.”

And empathy is what is needed most right now in our chaotic environment.  The action of being able to understand the feelings, thoughts, and experiences of others. Of others much different than us. Of others who think much differently than us. Of others who look much different than us. Of others whose possessions are much different than us.

There are forces who are trying to divide us politically, racially, by economic class, etc. It’s all division, and it’s all harmful. But empathy, by definition, unites us. It creates a shared understanding. I am willing to make an effort to understand you. You are making an effort to understand me. It is at this point when the yelling, name-calling, arguing, and rioting stops. It is where the essential discussion begins. We will not be able to solve any of these serious problems without empathy.

And the empathy must be shared by all. If you expect me to empathize with you, you must be willing to extend the same empathy to me. This means we may fundamentally disagree on many issues but understand each other’s feelings, thoughts, and experiences. This is not a one-way street but a circular discussion that creates unity.

Being empathetic takes effort. My ankle is now completely healed, although my condition could return unexpectedly at any time. I am now patient when inconvenienced with the mobility-challenged, however, I am not as empathetic because my pain is gone. The BOOK tells us to “Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.” The rejoicing part is fun and easy. The weeping is much more difficult.

Empathy means I will not judge. I will not shout. I will not become angry or bitter. I will seek to understand. I will seek solutions to the problems. I will seek peace.

Listen To Those Voices

Yes, we need to pursue our dreams – the subject of my previous post. But which dreams are worthy of chasing? Well, there was a clue in that post that you probably overlooked. When I suggested that Shantelle consider doing some modeling, her response was literally, “I get that a lot.”

So, numerous people are presenting Shantelle with the same idea. What should she do?

People are always offering us ideas or suggestions. How do we tell which ones are valid?

These ideas/suggestions fall into three categories:

-         Really Good/No-Brainers

These are excellent ideas that you know are winners the moment they hit your ears. Sometimes they are so evident that you can’t believe you never thought of that. You enthusiastically thank the person for their wisdom and take the recommended action as soon as possible.

-         Really Bad/No-Brainers

These are bad ideas. Sometimes really bad ideas, that would fail miserably with possibly harmful consequences. The person offering them either doesn’t understand the situation or may be a bit dim-witted. You nod, smile, and say “that’s interesting,” and hope the subject never comes up again. 

-         The Unknowns/Possibles

These ideas could be good or could be bad. You may have considered them in the past. You may have even tried them previously with little success. These ideas tend to be more complex and may take time, effort, or resources to implement. You can’t determine if you should try the idea because it is a question of the risks versus the rewards.

Making Decisions About The Unknowns

We tend to automatically dismiss the Unknowns because we instinctively focus on the risks rather than the rewards. “I could try that, but I would need to this, this, and this, and it probably wouldn’t work.” Therefore, the first time the idea is suggested it is considered, but quickly dismissed.

However, when a second person suggests the same idea, it is worthy of greater consideration. But the risks are still there, and the rewards are still unknown, so I still usually dismiss the idea at this point.

A third suggestion by another person changes the game, though. Three people telling me the same thing is my tipping point. Instead of thinking of reasons why the idea won’t work, I change my perspective and ask myself, “How can I make this work?” It is wonderful what happens when you look at things from a different angle, exploring the possibilities rather than the pitfalls. After doing this, I usually can develop a strategy for trying the idea.

Therefore, in these cases, I implement a “Rule of 3”. If three people tell me the same thing, then I am going to assume there is merit in the idea. Remember, often, the CREATOR speaks to us directly through other people when we are too busy, stubborn, distracted, fearful, or in denial of the truth right in front of our face.

It Also Works In Reverse

Unfortunately, this “Rule of 3” works in reverse. If one person criticizes you for something, we quickly dismiss it by thinking: He’s stupid, he’s biased, he’s jealous, he doesn’t like me, etc. But when a third person says, “Bill, you’re really being selfish here,” those people, even if they are your enemies, probably have a point, and you may need to work on that personal deficiency.

Listen, Then Act

The Rule of 3 in Shantelle’s case means she should put together a portfolio and send it to a modeling agency. In your life, follow this Rule of 3. If three people tell you the same thing, they probably can see something you can’t. Listen to what they are saying; then go for it!