How Empathy Works In Real Life (Empathy – Part 2)

 Empathy: “The action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another.” (Websters)

The previous post detailed why empathy is needed. Now, this is how it works in real life ….

Nancy and I grew up in nearby neighborhoods during the same era. We graduated from the same high school, the same year. Since then, we have both attained success in our careers, becoming respected professionals – not a small achievement, considering our middle-class, blue-collar roots. We are two highly intelligent professionals with seemingly very similar backgrounds.

So, we should hold matching political views, correct? No, not even close. We happen to be on different sides of the political spectrum.  

How is this possible? Nancy’s situation in her home growing up was very different than mine. Her childhood experiences instilled in her many different emotions, concepts, and feelings than mine. It gives her a different perspective and imparts deep empathy for people currently in the same situation as she once endured.

Nancy and I were friends but lost touch after high school. However, we now see each other occasionally at high school class get-togethers, and when we do, in addition to catching up on life, we discuss politics.

What? What? Why would you ever do that? Are you insane? You guys disagree on everything! You should never talk about politics.

No, these talks are not what you would expect in these hyper-partisan times. They are civil. No one shouts. No one even raises their voice. Each person calmly expresses a thought while the other listens, listens intently. And no one interrupts until the other person finishes speaking.

The conversations are honest. Each person feeling safe to express what they genuinely believe without fear of judgment or condemnation. Nancy even has this habit of grinning like an ornery 9-year-old right before saying something she knows I will strongly disagree with. And this is fine, because it is difficult to get angry when a person is smiling at you.  Nancy is my friend, and she trusts me. And I trust her, which leads to a more in-depth conversation.

The discussions are also at a very high level. These are two sagacious, intelligent, well-informed people, discussing deep, heavy, stuff. There are no talking points, there are no cliches, but there are admissions that there and injustices and things on both sides need to change.

The unexpected result of these discussions is that Nancy and I agree on much more than we disagree. The main differences exist about how to solve the problems we face. If more people could have these types of discussions, our nation would be better off, and some major, on-going problems just might get solved.

But this “magic” doesn’t happen without empathy. I understand why Nancy believes what she does, and she knows where I’m coming from. This realization allows us to have a discussion and not a debate. I’m not trying to change who she is.  Nancy is a beautiful person. She is the sum of her life experiences – such as I am, and we all are. My empathy allows me to value her and her opinions as she respects mine. I end of feeling positive at the end of our talks, instead of angry and exasperated when discussing these topics with other people.

The term “finding common ground” is thrown around a lot. It is much easier to locate that place when you understand, are aware of, and sensitive to the other person, or side as it may be.

Discussing difficult issues with Nancy gives me new insights into issues - new concepts to ponder. New ideas to consider. A perspective I would not possess if I didn’t risk having a deep, meaningful conversation with a friend whose views are much different than mine. But it only works with empathy. And that’s why we need more of it in our lives.

Empathy: “The action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another.” (Websters)