You Have Fewer Friends Than You Think

Your circle of friends is much smaller than you think it is.

Yes, you have many people who associate with you. Maybe you have thousands of “friends” and contacts on social media. But in reality, cold reality, your real friends are few. You find out who is really on your team when you get knocked down. Some people will kick you; most will ignore you, but a select few will reach down and pull you up. Another acid test is when you ask for something that requires a time or money commitment. And sadly, that “onerous” money commitment can be as little as $10.

No, when you need or ask for help, the acquaintances and associates scatter like flies or go “radio silent”. It is indeed in times of struggle that you do find “who your true friends are”.                                                              

Loyal To A Fault

Loyalty is a concept not shared equally among persons. Very loyal people expect the same level of commitment from people they consider friends. Unfortunately, disloyal people are willing to discard friendships, even long-term friendships, as quickly as flicking away an irritating bug when the relationship is no longer convenient. Sometimes, you find out there had never really been a friendship at all, as soon as the relationship hit a stress point or you asked for some type of commitment.

This results in the loyal person wondering what they did wrong to cause the relationship to end. Followed up by the “what’s wrong with me?” question. The loyal person will impulsively try to restore what they thought was a good friendship. They will apologize. They will make excuses for the other person. They may even try to change their behavior to make it work. But this effort will fail, and then the loyal person will be deeply hurt and go through the blame game repeatedly, sometimes beating themselves up for years. But while you are doing that, the other person has forgotten all about you. They may have even forgotten your name.

What you must realize is that the friendship was always one-sided. There is nothing wrong with you, except you are too loyal. And as with everything in life, even though loyalty is a good trait, there is a price to pay for having too much. Just like being too good, too nice, too trusting, too patient ….

But the problem here is with the other person. There is something wrong with them, not you. There is nothing you could have done to save this relationship because there was never really a friendship. You were an acquaintance, to be discarded as soon as it was convenient. This person does not value you as a friend, however, you are giving value to someone who deserves no value. The person has no value – the person literally is “not worth it”. Yes, you made a poor value judgment, but now it is time for a reevaluation. Trying to hold onto something which isn’t there is like trying to hug the air. It is a futile effort.

It Still Hurts, Though

It’s always painful for the “loyalists” when a friendship evaporates. And sometimes people you liked and trusted suddenly become mean, conniving backstabbers.

At the company I worked at the longest, I thought I had made several strong friendships that would last a lifetime. However, none of these people return my messages. And these were my best work friends. I needed to get in touch with one of them this summer regarding a business issue with my book. He didn’t return my voice mails; he didn’t return my emails. Finally, I mailed a letter explaining what I needed. Crickets. This is hurtful, but I need to let this go, and stop hugging the air.

Most of the time we can’t put a value on our friendships. However, a few years ago, a person I thought was a friend sold me out for a mere $50. If a friendship is not worth $50 to you, you are not a friend; you are a mere acquaintance. The fact that I am writing about this one indicates that I am still hugging the air a bit.

It’s All About Value

We make so many value judgements that we don’t evaluate which ones are faulty. Once you spot the sell-outs, the hangers-on, the passive-aggressors, don’t try to salvage the relationships. Don’t invest anything more in them. Cut them loose.

What you must do is find the people in your inner circle. Identify those who are on your team. And then nurture, support, help, and invest in those people with everything you have. Because it is these people who will support and help you when you need it. Support me and I will support you. It is such a simple concept, and yet very few people get it. Determine who is worthy of your investment and then invest in them. If you are on my team, there are benefits to being on my team.

A Warning

Be aware. Everyone you think is a friend, is not really your friend. Most are acquaintances, and sadly, some are even your enemies, or at least they find some perverse pleasure when you fail. I wish it didn’t have to be that way, but it is one of many human frailties in this game of life.