I Do Appreciate You and I Hope You Appreciate This

“After Life”, an outstanding drama on Netflix chronicles the grieving process of Tony Johnson (played by Ricky Gervais), a middle-aged newspaper reporter who just lost his wife due to cancer.  In Episode 4 of Season 2, Tony’s grief again becomes overwhelming as he is caught in a downward spiral of self-pity, and excruciating mental anguish.

This is a critical point in the show because, under similar pressures in Season 1, Tony attempts suicide. But then the story takes an unexpected turn. Tony interviews a young woman addicted to plastic surgery. The woman panics when Tony helps her realize she has a mental illness. “You think I’m mental?” she exclaims. Tony affirms her by replying, “No more than the rest of us. As I say, we’re all screwed up, in one way or another. So, it makes it normal.”

Later, when he is experiencing his most intense agony, he begins to see the pain and struggles of all the people around him. He considers himself a “loser” because of his personal loss and his inability to overcome it, but then realizes that we are all losers. He later uses that term (in a non-derogatory way) to describe his co-workers to an associate. Once he is able to see the pain of others, his empathy causes him to take actions to help relieve the sufferings of the people around him.

The episode concludes with Tony receiving a message from his wife, through pre-recorded video, about how important it is to appreciate the people around us, no matter their faults and irritations. And, most importantly, to tell these people, they are appreciated and important to us. Tony then begins to see the value of the people in his world, even those who frustrate and irritate him, in his deep state of grief.   

Our World

All the time, maybe even every day, we encounter people in our lives who in some way, even small ways, help us along in our journey. And every one of them has faults, because they are human. Some of them are even irritating. We take these people for granted. We expect them to help us, assist us, serve us, listen to us, whatever. It just becomes routine. We don’t notice that they work hard, are struggling, and are dealing with personal issues (just like we are, right?). They just fade into the background of our lives, until we don’t notice them at all. Until they are gone, sometimes forever. And then we miss them and maybe only then realize how valuable they were too us.

So we need to tell everyone in our lives that we appreciate them when they do something that helps us out. This goes one step beyond an obligatory “thank you”. It sounds like this, “Thanks for doing this for me. I really appreciate your help. Or maybe, I really appreciate you.  One word we all need to say more is appreciate. Appreciate, appreciate, appreciate, appreciate. 

Because, people want to feel appreciated. Even more important, people need to be appreciated. So please tell them you appreciate them. And I’m not talking just about your close friends and main squeeze. No, you need to tell even the people you don’t particularly like, even those irritating people with faults, that you appreciate their effort and contributions, when appropriate.

Everyone needs to know they are significant. There are many people around me that I expect things from. I expect, I expect, I expect, I expect, and I get cranky when these expectations are not met. But I need to appreciate it more when these expectations are achieved, and especially when they are exceeded.

Recently, I said farewell to a friend who was moving far away. This person had done a tremendous job on an important project for me. And yes, I said thank you, but I failed to say how much I appreciated the effort. I did realize my omission later that evening and expressed my appreciation in an email. But those words needed to be said in person, yet somehow, they failed to leave my lips. I don’t say that word enough and have tried to be much more appreciative lately.

A few weeks ago, a high school friend died of cancer. I was touched by the comments my classmates posted on Facebook. Yes, everyone says good things about the recently departed, but these praises were plentiful, and more importantly, they were real. People, some who hadn’t seen the man in years, were appreciative of the life he had lived, the person that he was. I know the guy would have been totally astonished if he could have read all the tributes listed there (Who knows? Maybe he could).  Now my classmates didn’t have the opportunity to express their appreciation in person because few of them had any contact with him recently. So, I hope that the people in his world told him some of the same things posted on Facebook in person; that they appreciated him, the work that he did, and the life that he led.

Thus, the need, the decency, the urgency, to tell those in our world that we appreciate them. And so, I appreciate you, for reading, sharing, and commenting on my blog. If you are a friend or associate, I appreciate you.  And I would greatly appreciate it, if you heeded these words. Peace.

React or Respond? – There is a vast difference

Your boss, spouse, coworker, colleague, child, acquaintance, stranger, or sometimes even a friend, unleash a verbal tirade upon you unexpectedly. Or maybe, it’s just a casual statement that highly annoys you.

You feel (pick one, or many): angered, threatened, demeaned, disrespected, marginalized, insulted, offended, disgusted, fearful, irritated, or repulsed.

So, how do you react? Or -- how do you respond? 

Don, that question is redundant, isn’t it? React and respond are the same thing, right?

No, they are not. And understanding the difference can change your life.

Are you telling me that knowing the distinction between these two similar words is that important? How?

When you react to people, it is an emotional outburst most likely delivered with the same antagonism as the offending statement. You speak without thinking; the words fired out of your mouth like a sub-machine gun. They are angry, sarcastic, venomous, biting, cutting, and hurtful words.

Reactions can destroy relationships and reputations. Reactions can produce hurt feelings and pain that sometimes take years to heal. Reactions cost people their marriages, jobs, friends and sometimes even their lives.

Reactions almost always lead to arguments, rather than discussions. Unfortunately, the arguments lead to even more reactions, with both parties’ sub-machine guns blasting away. If you need examples, just look at the politicians, twitter wars, or the flaming fights on Facebook.

Well yes, reactions are bad, but why are responses any different?

A response is a rational, calmer action designed to diffuse the situation and start a discussion, instead of a heated argument. An important aspect of a response is to gain insight into why the person has just unloaded upon you. Therefore, one of the best responses starts with you asking a question. If you can’t think of a question related to the subject, a good option is: Why are you so upset?

This allows you to gain a better understanding of the situation, enables the other person to continue to vent, and gives you time to formulate a second, more relevant question. Sometimes, the “why are you angry?” question will totally change the tenor of the discussion, as the person realizes they have spoken too forcibly. Often, they will apologize, and then a purposeful conversation can begin.

But Don, how does letting the other person keep ranting and raving help things?

Because it puts you in control of the situation. While the other person is out of control, you can be formulating your response. You may choose to disagree, but it is possible to do so in a calm, mature manner. You may even decide to be charming in your reply. But the goal is to defuse the situation, not escalate it. Unfortunately, sometimes your calm response will enrage the person even more because they are looking for a fight, and they will start spouting off again. But then, still, you can remain in control of the situation and respond accordingly. Just because they want a fight, doesn’t mean you must participate.

There are situations in which you will have time before you choose to respond or react. For example, when you get upset by an email, post, or tweet. How many times have we reacted to that situation with a nasty missive back, fueled with emotion? How did that work out for you? It made you feel good in the moment – caused you regrets for a much longer time. When you have time to formulate a response, the critical question is: What do I want to happen next?

Once you know what a desirable outcome of the situation is, craft a careful, strategic response that supports your intent. Resist the temptation to say to yourself: “I’m going to give him a piece of my mind!” “I’m going to show her just how stupid she is.” “I’m going to show them who’s boss,” etc. etc. etc.

These reactions make us feel good in the moment, but, if after the smoke clears, the situation hasn’t changed, or maybe now it is worse, what have you gained. You still wake up tomorrow with an ongoing conflict or problem.

Look! There’s a raging conflict burning out of control. Is it better to pour gasoline on it – a reaction? Or is it better to pour water on it – a response? You very rarely have to apologize for a response, but you often have to apologize for a reaction. 

Okay, Don, reactions are harmful. But they are just natural tendencies. It’s what I do in that situation. It’s what I’ve always done. How do I change that?

And now we come to the difficult part of this post. Easy to say, hard to do. This is a learned behavior, but the sooner you understand and can implement this change, the better your life will be. Again, it can improve your marriage, your relationships, your career, etc. It is one of the most valuable life skills to acquire and practice.

So, the next time you are faced with a conflict situation: Will you react, or will you respond?