How Empathy Works In Real Life (Empathy – Part 2)

 Empathy: “The action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another.” (Websters)

The previous post detailed why empathy is needed. Now, this is how it works in real life ….

Nancy and I grew up in nearby neighborhoods during the same era. We graduated from the same high school, the same year. Since then, we have both attained success in our careers, becoming respected professionals – not a small achievement, considering our middle-class, blue-collar roots. We are two highly intelligent professionals with seemingly very similar backgrounds.

So, we should hold matching political views, correct? No, not even close. We happen to be on different sides of the political spectrum.  

How is this possible? Nancy’s situation in her home growing up was very different than mine. Her childhood experiences instilled in her many different emotions, concepts, and feelings than mine. It gives her a different perspective and imparts deep empathy for people currently in the same situation as she once endured.

Nancy and I were friends but lost touch after high school. However, we now see each other occasionally at high school class get-togethers, and when we do, in addition to catching up on life, we discuss politics.

What? What? Why would you ever do that? Are you insane? You guys disagree on everything! You should never talk about politics.

No, these talks are not what you would expect in these hyper-partisan times. They are civil. No one shouts. No one even raises their voice. Each person calmly expresses a thought while the other listens, listens intently. And no one interrupts until the other person finishes speaking.

The conversations are honest. Each person feeling safe to express what they genuinely believe without fear of judgment or condemnation. Nancy even has this habit of grinning like an ornery 9-year-old right before saying something she knows I will strongly disagree with. And this is fine, because it is difficult to get angry when a person is smiling at you.  Nancy is my friend, and she trusts me. And I trust her, which leads to a more in-depth conversation.

The discussions are also at a very high level. These are two sagacious, intelligent, well-informed people, discussing deep, heavy, stuff. There are no talking points, there are no cliches, but there are admissions that there and injustices and things on both sides need to change.

The unexpected result of these discussions is that Nancy and I agree on much more than we disagree. The main differences exist about how to solve the problems we face. If more people could have these types of discussions, our nation would be better off, and some major, on-going problems just might get solved.

But this “magic” doesn’t happen without empathy. I understand why Nancy believes what she does, and she knows where I’m coming from. This realization allows us to have a discussion and not a debate. I’m not trying to change who she is.  Nancy is a beautiful person. She is the sum of her life experiences – such as I am, and we all are. My empathy allows me to value her and her opinions as she respects mine. I end of feeling positive at the end of our talks, instead of angry and exasperated when discussing these topics with other people.

The term “finding common ground” is thrown around a lot. It is much easier to locate that place when you understand, are aware of, and sensitive to the other person, or side as it may be.

Discussing difficult issues with Nancy gives me new insights into issues - new concepts to ponder. New ideas to consider. A perspective I would not possess if I didn’t risk having a deep, meaningful conversation with a friend whose views are much different than mine. But it only works with empathy. And that’s why we need more of it in our lives.

Empathy: “The action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another.” (Websters)

 

We Could Use A Shot Of Empathy Right Now

They are seemingly everywhere. The woman with the pronounced limp. The man moving slowly, leaning on his cane. The person arduously straining, climbing one step at a time. And it’s just not the elderly. The people having difficulty walking come in all ages. Call them the mobility-challenged individuals.

But you don’t notice them. They are invisible to you. They blend into the background. However, you are highly aware of them when they impede your progress. When they slow you down. It can be highly frustrating if you are behind the person climbing the stairs or approaching a single-door entrance or exit.

And that was my view of the mobility-challenged until last year when I suffered a physical malady which caused my right ankle to swell enormously. I was house-ridden for a couple of weeks, and the pain was so intense it was difficult to even move around the house.

Eventually, I was able to drive my car and venture out with the help of my cane. And that’s when I became aware of every mobility-challenged person I witnessed. My pain had made me sensitive to a group of people who were always there, but I never saw. Instinctively, I would ask myself:

What ailment is causing her problem?       

Is he in great pain?

Will she get any better – or worse?

Is this a permanent or temporary condition? (Especially if the person is young)

My pain had made me highly sensitive to the struggles, discomfort, and pain of others. Now it wasn’t “those” people. It was us, because I was one of those people. I had been given a large dose of what we call empathy.

Websters defines empathy as “The action of understanding, being aware of, being sensitive to, and vicariously experiencing the feelings, thoughts, and experience of another.”

And empathy is what is needed most right now in our chaotic environment.  The action of being able to understand the feelings, thoughts, and experiences of others. Of others much different than us. Of others who think much differently than us. Of others who look much different than us. Of others whose possessions are much different than us.

There are forces who are trying to divide us politically, racially, by economic class, etc. It’s all division, and it’s all harmful. But empathy, by definition, unites us. It creates a shared understanding. I am willing to make an effort to understand you. You are making an effort to understand me. It is at this point when the yelling, name-calling, arguing, and rioting stops. It is where the essential discussion begins. We will not be able to solve any of these serious problems without empathy.

And the empathy must be shared by all. If you expect me to empathize with you, you must be willing to extend the same empathy to me. This means we may fundamentally disagree on many issues but understand each other’s feelings, thoughts, and experiences. This is not a one-way street but a circular discussion that creates unity.

Being empathetic takes effort. My ankle is now completely healed, although my condition could return unexpectedly at any time. I am now patient when inconvenienced with the mobility-challenged, however, I am not as empathetic because my pain is gone. The BOOK tells us to “Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.” The rejoicing part is fun and easy. The weeping is much more difficult.

Empathy means I will not judge. I will not shout. I will not become angry or bitter. I will seek to understand. I will seek solutions to the problems. I will seek peace.

Listen To Those Voices

Yes, we need to pursue our dreams – the subject of my previous post. But which dreams are worthy of chasing? Well, there was a clue in that post that you probably overlooked. When I suggested that Shantelle consider doing some modeling, her response was literally, “I get that a lot.”

So, numerous people are presenting Shantelle with the same idea. What should she do?

People are always offering us ideas or suggestions. How do we tell which ones are valid?

These ideas/suggestions fall into three categories:

-         Really Good/No-Brainers

These are excellent ideas that you know are winners the moment they hit your ears. Sometimes they are so evident that you can’t believe you never thought of that. You enthusiastically thank the person for their wisdom and take the recommended action as soon as possible.

-         Really Bad/No-Brainers

These are bad ideas. Sometimes really bad ideas, that would fail miserably with possibly harmful consequences. The person offering them either doesn’t understand the situation or may be a bit dim-witted. You nod, smile, and say “that’s interesting,” and hope the subject never comes up again. 

-         The Unknowns/Possibles

These ideas could be good or could be bad. You may have considered them in the past. You may have even tried them previously with little success. These ideas tend to be more complex and may take time, effort, or resources to implement. You can’t determine if you should try the idea because it is a question of the risks versus the rewards.

Making Decisions About The Unknowns

We tend to automatically dismiss the Unknowns because we instinctively focus on the risks rather than the rewards. “I could try that, but I would need to this, this, and this, and it probably wouldn’t work.” Therefore, the first time the idea is suggested it is considered, but quickly dismissed.

However, when a second person suggests the same idea, it is worthy of greater consideration. But the risks are still there, and the rewards are still unknown, so I still usually dismiss the idea at this point.

A third suggestion by another person changes the game, though. Three people telling me the same thing is my tipping point. Instead of thinking of reasons why the idea won’t work, I change my perspective and ask myself, “How can I make this work?” It is wonderful what happens when you look at things from a different angle, exploring the possibilities rather than the pitfalls. After doing this, I usually can develop a strategy for trying the idea.

Therefore, in these cases, I implement a “Rule of 3”. If three people tell me the same thing, then I am going to assume there is merit in the idea. Remember, often, the CREATOR speaks to us directly through other people when we are too busy, stubborn, distracted, fearful, or in denial of the truth right in front of our face.

It Also Works In Reverse

Unfortunately, this “Rule of 3” works in reverse. If one person criticizes you for something, we quickly dismiss it by thinking: He’s stupid, he’s biased, he’s jealous, he doesn’t like me, etc. But when a third person says, “Bill, you’re really being selfish here,” those people, even if they are your enemies, probably have a point, and you may need to work on that personal deficiency.

Listen, Then Act

The Rule of 3 in Shantelle’s case means she should put together a portfolio and send it to a modeling agency. In your life, follow this Rule of 3. If three people tell you the same thing, they probably can see something you can’t. Listen to what they are saying; then go for it!

 

 

 

 

 

Go For It!

 I first met Shantelle at an author fair a few years ago. Her table was near mine, and we had a brief conversation about the local author’s group that I lead. I got her email address so I could invite her to the monthly meetings. She impressed me as an intelligent, beautiful young woman. She also had a unique hairstyle featuring many complicated long braids.

Fast forward to almost two years later. I am at a networking event, and I see a group of three women new to the group. I introduce myself to the first two, but when I introduce myself to the third, she breaks out into a big smile and giggles loudly.

“Oh, Don! You know who I am. We’ve met before.”  

I study her intently while my brain is spinning for some recollection who she is. I end up just standing there, clueless. 

“I’m Shantelle! she exclaims as the giggling resumes.

Of course, I’m much embarrassed, believing that my fading memory has failed me once again. I apologize profusely, glad that she is amused and not offended by my faux pas.

I strike up a conversation with her and her friends when it suddenly hits me why I failed to recognize her.

“Wait! Your hair! Your hair is totally different! That’s why I didn’t recognize you!” I blurt out, interrupting the discussion.

Now the giggles are replaced by hearty laughter by all the women.

“Yes, it’s very different than it was when we first met,” she admits.

We become Facebook friends soon afterward, which hopefully helps my memory when I see Shantelle the next time. It was quickly apparent by Shantelle’s posts that her hair is one of her hobbies. She changes her hairstyle frequently. However, regardless of the various styles, there is one constant. If every photo, she remains strikingly beautiful.

I messaged her: Have you ever thought about doing some modeling?

Her response: People tell me that all the time, lol, but I’ve never pursued it.

I’ve encouraged Shantelle to put together a portfolio and submit it to an agency. She has not done it yet, but I hope she does, because:

YOU NEED TO PURSUE YOUR DREAMS

You need to at least try things to see how high you were meant to fly. And you can’t do that standing on the ground. People don’t try because they are afraid to fail. But you get more out of life when you fail often and when you fail big.

This sounds counterintuitive. But you must go for it. No one succeeds on their first attempt. Often the people who accomplish much are the stubborn ones, or even the stupid ones, who try and fail, over and over again.

YOU HAVE TO GO FOR IT – AND KEEP GOING FOR IT

Most people stop because failure hurts. This life is a long-distance race. All long-distance runners come to the point in the race where the pain reaches its apex. At that point, you can easily alleviate the pain by just stopping. Quit the race, stop the pain. But the winners know they must run through the pain to finish the race. 

So pursuing these dreams guarantees you will suffer failures. Failures generate pain, which is burdensome because your own actions created it. But to become a success, you must fight through the pain. Why is it like this? This is life and how you choose to live it.

And most of your dreams, if not all of them, will die at some point. The death being painful, so painful at times that you feel you cannot go on, but you do. Because that is how life works. And some people will fulfill their dreams and go on to do great things. We are better off for those high achievers who wouldn’t have achieved, unless they tried, and failed at the beginning.

There is a risk of failure. There is also a risk of not trying. It is called “regret”. And regrets are lousy because they tend to be persistent and difficult to shake. I have a list of failures, things I tried, which never worked out. But someday, when I’m sitting in a nursing home, contemplating my life, I’m not going be saddened by my failures, and more importantly, I’m not going to be haunted by my regrets in these areas.

 YOU NEED TO PURSUE YOUR DREAMS. YOU NEED TO TRY

If you are young, you need to pursue these dreams with passion. If you are older, and winding down your life, you need to encourage the younger people in your influence to pursue their dreams.

I hope Shantelle follows my advice and sends her portfolio to an agency, just to see what happens. Probably nothing will, but she won’t know until she tries. If she doesn’t, she is still pursuing dreams in other areas of her life.

 

 

 

Winning At The Game Of Life

I was taking an early morning walk at the park. I spend most of my time on the walking trail, but I always take a lap around the tennis courts. I often play on these courts, but today I am just a spectator.

Only one of the ten courts was occupied, as it was already a hot morning.  As I walked along the courts, I thought it odd the people were playing on the far court, when all the closer courts were available.

I could not yet see the lone tennis players because the windscreen blocked my view. But I could tell by the constant chatter and laughter they were having a competitive match, and a good time to boot. However, I was stunned when I turned the corner and could watch them play.

There were two guys, in their 20s, maybe early 30s, and they were horrendous, awful tennis players. It was apparent they had never had a tennis lesson in their lives. I don’t think they had ever watched any tennis on television, or they would have at least had some idea on what a proper tennis stroke looks like. They exhibited all the grace and skill of two grandmothers playing badminton. I’m not a great tennis player, but I could have defeated either of them playing left-handed. Really.

However, they were evenly matched, which is beneficial for tennis partners. They both hit the ball the same way – which was horribly. The match was indeed competitive. They were trying hard to win, despite their lack of ability. And they were having a blast – laughing hard and frequently at their terrible, errant shots. It was as if they had no idea how badly they were playing, and didn’t really care.

As I turned to head back to the walking track, I smiled as I tried not to laugh out loud at the woeful attempt at tennis I had just witnessed.

But then that inner voice, that always seems to irritate me, asked me a question:

Hey Don, do you have that much fun when you play tennis?

“Well, no, I don’t.”                                          

Why?

“I guess sometimes I have trouble controlling my backhand. On certain days the backhand goes everywhere but in. I expect every backhand I hit to be an excellent shot, and when that doesn’t happen, I can get irritated and annoyed. My tennis partner no doubt gets tired of hearing my constant whining.”

So, these two awful tennis players enjoy their time on the court much more than you do?

Uh, yeah ….

Then you may be better at the game of tennis, but those two guys are better at the game of life

The Game of Life

Wouldn’t we all be better off if instead of getting upset at the shots we hit out, we rejoice at the shots we hit in? Perhaps winning at the game of life is all about managing expectations. We live with all these expectations for our accomplishments, career, income, wealth, children, spouse, other people, co-workers, lifestyle, etc., etc., etc.  Lots of high expectations.

How much more satisfying would our lives be if we set expectations at the realistic level in all areas? Of course, in most situations we would have to lower our expectations. And I don’t know how you set proper expectations and still have the motivation to achieve things. But I am learning. I set high expectations for my first two books and became distressed when they failed to achieve what I wanted. I even suffered a panic attack in May 2018 due to this. I don’t have any expectations for my third book. I delight in each book sold. This time, I don’t even care what the critics say about my book. I know that the writing is the best I have ever done. And I am happy, much happier than I was during my first two book launches. I am still motivated to sell as many books that I can, not for the money, but for the challenge.

Laughing At Yourself

Being able to laugh a lot is a great trait to possess; however, the ability to laugh at yourself is precious. Of course, my humor blog attests to the fact that I do that well, but I don’t do it as well as my friend, Lynn.

Lynn entertains her Facebook friends with lengthy, hilarious narratives of her foibles and quirks in dealing with her household tasks and crazy life. From the outside, you would not be impressed with Lynn’s life. Like all of us, she has made some bad choices, and life has dealt her some challenges on top of that. But she doesn’t care one bit what you or anyone else thinks about her. You can’t judge her, because she refuses to put her life on trial.

Despite that, Lynn attacks life with gusto. She extracts the maximum enjoyment out of the life she has. Lynn wouldn’t trade her life for yours, because it doesn’t matter. She would be able to extract the same amount of joy out of life, no matter the circumstances. I don’t get to see Lynn that often, be she is one of my most favorite friends. When I’m standing next to her, I feel better due to the positive energy she radiates.

Again, if you look at her status, her job, her life, you will not be impressed. But the woman is a winner — a winner at the Game of Life.

Winning This Game

To conclude, three rules for winning at the Game of Life:

1.    Extract as much enjoyment as you can out of everything you do.

2.    Set realistic expectations, yet stay motivated.

3.    Learn to laugh at yourself more often – don’t take yourself or life too seriously.

Please Read This – Thank You ….

My elderly mother lay in a hospital bed, soon after a near-fatal heart attack. We talked a bit when I first arrived, but she had grown weary, and now her eyes were closed as she struggled for every breath. I just sat in the silence, watching her breathe, wondering if one of those would be her last. Hoping she had not come to the end of the line.

Suddenly, the evening nurse burst through the door. There was a quick greeting, then the nurse checked my mother’s vitals and began the process of servicing the room. This woman was meticulous and dedicated to her job. There was no idle chit chat because she was working so diligently. I presumed that it had been a tough day for her since she looked somewhat downcast. Maybe she was behind on her rounds, and thus the rapid work pace. My mother had returned to her restive state soon after her vitals were complete.

As I sat there, I appreciated how hard this nurse was working to make sure my mother, and her room, were cared for. I felt the need to thank her for her effort, before she bolted out the door to her next room. I patiently waited as she completed her tasks and turned to go. The words “thank you” were right on my lips, when my mother opened her eyes and said “thank you” to the nurse. And when my mother said “thank you” to anyone, her tone and facial expression denoted a deep appreciation. It wasn’t lip service. It was more as if she had bestowed a blessing upon you. Yes, I did thank the nurse, but of course, my words paled in comparison to my mother’s response.

My mother was extremely polite, and of course, she raised me to be the same. However, even though people would say I am polite, I am not nearly as polite as my mother. And most of us would agree that we were also raised to be polite, but often we fail to be. So, we KNOW we should say “please and thank you” routinely, yet many of us DO NOT. It is the most glaring gap between head knowledge and actual behavior in our society. Unfortunately, as our

culture becomes more crass and demanding, it also becomes much less polite.

Therefore:

-         Even though your mother told you this

-         Even though you already know you should do this

-         Even though you already know how to do this

PLEASE SAY “PLEASE AND THANK YOU” at every appropriate opportunity.

Business Applications

One area where politeness has diminished is in the corporate world (I have a friend who does workshops on “Business Etiquette”, instructing people who already know how to act appropriately, to actually do it.) Companies are plagued with people demanding, insisting, and ordering their workers to perform.

So, a word to all supervisors, bosses, managers, and executives: These people are not your slaves; they are literally your co-workers in achieving your organization's success, and serving your customers and clients. Therefore, some respect please, exhibited by a “please” for every request, and a “thank you” when it is completed. This is simple. This is basic. And it will improve your ability to manage and the performance of your company.

And remember: How you treat your employees determines how your employees treat your customers.

Real Application

Lately, I have been trying to include “Please” in every email which requests something. It’s easy to omit this. Think otherwise?  Go back and look at the last five request emails you sent, and you will likely be disappointed. One of my email catchphrases is “Just let me know”. It should always be, “Please let me know”.

But Don, if nobody else is doing this, why should I?

Because, you can’t change the world, but you can change your world. By being less demanding and more polite, you can improve the mood and outlook of everyone you encounter. If it makes you feel good when someone is polite to you, then ……. As your mother once said, “This isn’t that difficult”.

And a side note to you young guys out there: Being polite makes you more attractive to women who have been raised to be polite, because they then value politeness in a possible suitor.  It can give you an advantage over guys who possess superior attributes or resources. And polite wives are easier to live with than demanding ones. (just sayin’)

Consider This A Friendly Reminder

Please try to say and write “Please and Thank You” more often this week and see how much better it feels and how it improves the way people respond to you. Your mother will be, or would have been, pleased by this. And she would also be happy with me for reminding you.

And, oh yes, I almost forgot …. Thank you for reading to the end!

I Do Appreciate You and I Hope You Appreciate This

“After Life”, an outstanding drama on Netflix chronicles the grieving process of Tony Johnson (played by Ricky Gervais), a middle-aged newspaper reporter who just lost his wife due to cancer.  In Episode 4 of Season 2, Tony’s grief again becomes overwhelming as he is caught in a downward spiral of self-pity, and excruciating mental anguish.

This is a critical point in the show because, under similar pressures in Season 1, Tony attempts suicide. But then the story takes an unexpected turn. Tony interviews a young woman addicted to plastic surgery. The woman panics when Tony helps her realize she has a mental illness. “You think I’m mental?” she exclaims. Tony affirms her by replying, “No more than the rest of us. As I say, we’re all screwed up, in one way or another. So, it makes it normal.”

Later, when he is experiencing his most intense agony, he begins to see the pain and struggles of all the people around him. He considers himself a “loser” because of his personal loss and his inability to overcome it, but then realizes that we are all losers. He later uses that term (in a non-derogatory way) to describe his co-workers to an associate. Once he is able to see the pain of others, his empathy causes him to take actions to help relieve the sufferings of the people around him.

The episode concludes with Tony receiving a message from his wife, through pre-recorded video, about how important it is to appreciate the people around us, no matter their faults and irritations. And, most importantly, to tell these people, they are appreciated and important to us. Tony then begins to see the value of the people in his world, even those who frustrate and irritate him, in his deep state of grief.   

Our World

All the time, maybe even every day, we encounter people in our lives who in some way, even small ways, help us along in our journey. And every one of them has faults, because they are human. Some of them are even irritating. We take these people for granted. We expect them to help us, assist us, serve us, listen to us, whatever. It just becomes routine. We don’t notice that they work hard, are struggling, and are dealing with personal issues (just like we are, right?). They just fade into the background of our lives, until we don’t notice them at all. Until they are gone, sometimes forever. And then we miss them and maybe only then realize how valuable they were too us.

So we need to tell everyone in our lives that we appreciate them when they do something that helps us out. This goes one step beyond an obligatory “thank you”. It sounds like this, “Thanks for doing this for me. I really appreciate your help. Or maybe, I really appreciate you.  One word we all need to say more is appreciate. Appreciate, appreciate, appreciate, appreciate. 

Because, people want to feel appreciated. Even more important, people need to be appreciated. So please tell them you appreciate them. And I’m not talking just about your close friends and main squeeze. No, you need to tell even the people you don’t particularly like, even those irritating people with faults, that you appreciate their effort and contributions, when appropriate.

Everyone needs to know they are significant. There are many people around me that I expect things from. I expect, I expect, I expect, I expect, and I get cranky when these expectations are not met. But I need to appreciate it more when these expectations are achieved, and especially when they are exceeded.

Recently, I said farewell to a friend who was moving far away. This person had done a tremendous job on an important project for me. And yes, I said thank you, but I failed to say how much I appreciated the effort. I did realize my omission later that evening and expressed my appreciation in an email. But those words needed to be said in person, yet somehow, they failed to leave my lips. I don’t say that word enough and have tried to be much more appreciative lately.

A few weeks ago, a high school friend died of cancer. I was touched by the comments my classmates posted on Facebook. Yes, everyone says good things about the recently departed, but these praises were plentiful, and more importantly, they were real. People, some who hadn’t seen the man in years, were appreciative of the life he had lived, the person that he was. I know the guy would have been totally astonished if he could have read all the tributes listed there (Who knows? Maybe he could).  Now my classmates didn’t have the opportunity to express their appreciation in person because few of them had any contact with him recently. So, I hope that the people in his world told him some of the same things posted on Facebook in person; that they appreciated him, the work that he did, and the life that he led.

Thus, the need, the decency, the urgency, to tell those in our world that we appreciate them. And so, I appreciate you, for reading, sharing, and commenting on my blog. If you are a friend or associate, I appreciate you.  And I would greatly appreciate it, if you heeded these words. Peace.