Wednesday, February 14, 2024

The Pit

I could not believe my bad luck. Things were going so well. Life was so good. Then – boom! Out of nowhere, my world crumbled.

I find myself at the bottom of a deep pit. Look at this mess. I’m stuck. I’m stuck here forever. There is no way out of this one. 


I need help. I need help badly. I need help now.

So I cry out, “HELP ME! HELP ME OUT!”

I was joyous when The Man finally showed up. Yes, he really does listen. And he must care! He really must care.

Me: Hey, I’m so glad you are here. Listen, there’s been some sort of unfortunate occurrence here. Look, apparently, there has been some mistake that avoided your attention. There must be some misunderstanding because this freakish thing has resulted in me being cast into the bottom of this pit.

The Man: There has been no mistake. Life is not predictable. Sometimes, you end up in good places for no specific reason, and other times, you enter the pit.

Me: But the universe, under your domain, has plunged me into this pit, so I know you can pull me out just as quickly. So don’t stand there. I really need to get out of here now to resume my good life. So just give me a hand and pull me out.

The Man: I’m not going to do that.

Me: Why not? All I want is for my life to be comfortable, stable, and prosperous again. So, can you just pull me out of here - now?

The Man: My purpose is not to make your life comfortable. And I’m not your genie. I’m not here to instantly restore things on a whim.

Me: But look at this mess! I can’t fix this. How do you suggest I get out of this pit?

The Man: You’re going to have to crawl out.

Me: What? You cannot be serious. This is going to be a demanding and arduous climb. It’s going to take a long time, and I'm not even sure I can do it.

The Man: Well, that's the only way out. So, as soon as you recover from the shock, I suggest you begin to crawl out.

Me: This is so unfair. So, I’ve got to crawl out of here? You’re not pulling me out? What are you going to do to help me? Are you just going to stand there offering occasional words of encouragement?

The Man: I will provide you with comfort in your journey.

Me: Oh, that’s just great. And what if you are not near and I can’t hear these platitudes?

The Man: I assure you; you will hear my voice.

Me: How? How do you know as I am struggling, aching, crawling out of this awful place that I will hear you?

The Man: Because my child, I will be crawling right beside you. And lo, I am with you always, even unto the end of the world, even at the bottom of the deepest pit. 

Signed copies of my book Deep Heavy Stuff and available at: donake1.com

 

 

 

Tuesday, February 14, 2023

I’ve Been Down That Road Too

It had been such a pleasant lunch …

Several years ago, I was having lunch with my good friend and coworker Marla. I had not talked with her much recently, and catching up on various topics was enjoyable.

It had been such a pleasant lunch … until I asked this question:

“How’s your project coming along?”  


Now, this seemed like a harmless inquiry. Marla and I had worked at the same company for a few years. She had been assigned a high-visibility, important project at the company and I merely wanted to see how it was going. One could argue that it would have been rude not to ask about it.

It had been such a pleasant lunch …. but the atmosphere changed dramatically.

Marla quickly bowed her head, looking straight down at the table. She mumbled about her struggles and said she wasn’t confident she could get it done.

My natural reaction would have been to encourage her and offer words of compassion to make her feel better at that moment. But that’s not what popped out of my mouth.

Her physical posture had not changed, so I was talking to the top of her head.

I said, “This type of project is much more difficult than you ever thought it would be. You are now doubting your ability to finish the job. You are questioning if the outcome will be any good and whether you will get any recognition from management for your efforts. You are wondering if all your effort is just a huge waste of time. You love your job, but you hate what you are feeling right now.”

At this, her head snapped back up. She stares at me incredulously with a couple of tears in her eyes and asks, almost demanding, in an aggressive voice, “How do you know that?”

Now, inside I’m laughing hysterically because it sounds like she thinks I’m some mystical mind reader, but Marla is extremely serious at this point, so I can’t even break a smile and remain stoic.  

I then explained that I had worked on two similar projects earlier in my career. “We’ve walked that same road,” I said. “I’m just further on the journey than you are.” She then was so relieved that her feelings were not as strange, nor wrong, as she had imagined. I had validated and affirmed her emotions.

She felt much better about her situation and looked for even more positive vibes in the glow of this epiphany. “But it gets much better as you get past this point? she asked. And then my expression turned somber. “It doesn’t get any easier,” I cautioned. “But you, you will become tougher as you move along.”

The Mistake We All Make

Marla had made the mistake of thinking her feelings were wrong, weird, and unjustified, when actually, her feelings were quite common in her situation. It is that sense of commonality that binds us together as humans. How she felt was not strange, it was merely human. And when she realized that, it became such a pleasant lunch once again. Everyone feels that way at some point in their life we just don’t realize it.

Therefore, it is so important to be around people going through the same issues and struggles as you, the definition of a support group, and to be honest enough to share your feelings, struggles, and fears. Marla felt comfortable enough to share her vulnerabilities with me. If she had lied and said, “everything is fine,” she would not have realized that her struggle was typical. She was not a failure, just a human being with natural fears and emotions.

This is part of the mentoring process. A traveler who has taken the journey explaining the way to someone still on the journey. Advising them on roads to take and what roads to avoid and warning them about the struggles they will face. I was able to help Marla because I’d been down that road too. So, help your fellow journeymen along the way as much as possible.

Life Lesson: You are not as unique as you think you are. And – People are very willing to help you if you are honest enough to share your struggles.

Wednesday, February 16, 2022

This Is Not The End

This is not the end …

This is not even close to the end …

I understand it feels like the end - You think that it’s the end

But this is not the end …

Imagine I am sitting across from you right now

Open your eyes wide and look at me

Reach over and grab my hand

Take a deep breath

Focus on every word that follows because this is so important to you, and to me

Even though your mind is spinning, relax for a moment, and just focus on my words

Take another deep breath … exhale … relax

I can tell you are in the dark place

I have been to the dark place myself

It’s the worst place to be – but it won’t get any worse tomorrow

Yes, tomorrow – because this is not the end

Don’t believe that you will feel this bad forever – you won’t – this is the worst and it can, and will get better

Just focus on getting to tomorrow

This is not the end …

In the dark place, you can’t trust your feelings because they are running out of control but eventually the turmoil will stop and peace will return

You also can’t trust your thinking because your mind is being messed up by your emotions

So, I’m asking you to trust me – and trust every word I say - I swear what I’m telling you is true based on long life of ups and downs and one trip to dark place you find yourself in right now

Take another deep breath …. exhale

Yes, you are angry – and you have every right to be

People can be mean, stupid, vengeful, and uncaring

They have hurt you badly and you are so angry with them

But the anger now has been turned inward on yourself

However, the problem is with them – not you

These people with still be awful tomorrow and the day after that

You can’t change that – but don’t let the awful people make you hate yourself – Do not give them that power over you

Let the anger inside you flow outward

Slam your fist on the table – scream if you need to

Just as you need to exhale – release some of the pressure that’s been building inside you

This is not the end …

This is about you, your life, your well-being - not them

So let’s focus on you

You may feel hopeless – you may even think you are hopeless

That’s how you ended up in the dark place – that’s how I got there

But you do have hope – you are not hopeless – there is always hope available if you what to grasp it

There are people, good people, who will help you get your hope back

This is not the end …

In the darkness, all you see is darkness

But your world has not come crashing down – It’s still there, you just can’t see it in the darkness

Your life has value, which you will see once you get out of the dark place

There is a future and it’s not far away                    


But in the darkness, there is no light

Once the light is turned on, you can see things as they are – not just the darkness

Just turn on the light – look at the world around you, not the things in the bad place

Focus on what is going on in the outside – not the pain on the inside

Look beyond this moment – and then begin move forward to get out of the dark place

Get to a place outside the darkness

This is not the end …

Now, I will ask you to begin to move past the dark place and into the light

I want you to ask God to help you leave the darkness

I doesn’t matter if you have never prayed before, it doesn’t matter if it’s been a long time since you prayed - It doesn’t even matter if you doubt that  God exists

And most importantly, it doesn’t matter if you’ve prayed in the past but have given up on God

Reach out to God right now, tell Him how badly you hurt -Tell Him how angry you are – and cry out and ask Him to help you

And I assure you – with everything fiber of my being – that you will receive help – that you will feel cared for and you will start moving out of the dark place  

Pray now, then resume reading this

And now, find someone to talk to about what you are going through and how you feel

Call, your best friend – or call the person who is the most kind, caring person you know

Tell them you urgently need to talk to them - And once again, they will listen - trust me on this

Yes, there are bad people who hurt you – but there are good people who will help you – you just need to ask – in the darkness you can’t see us but we are here – we are everywhere – just ask - just please ask

If you don’t want to talk to someone you know – call the largest church near you and tell them you need to talk to a pastor, now - They will listen and they will help you

If you have no one you feel comfortable talking to then call  800-273-8255

This is not the end …

Tomorrow may not be a good day, but it will be a better day – please trust me on this - this is not the end ….

 

 

 

 

Wednesday, February 9, 2022

A Tribute To My Mentor

From the time I became a marketing major as a sophomore at the University of Akron, I heard glowing comments about Dr. George Prough. But Dr. Prough taught only upper-level marketing, so I had to wait until my final semester to take his Promotional Strategies course.   

From the first class, I realized all the praise was warranted. Dr. Prough's teaching style was unique and exceptional. He had a distinctive style.  He didn’t lecture on “theory”. He expected you to read that stuff in the textbook and come to class prepared. He talked about real-life examples and applications that cemented those theories in your brain.  And then there was the outrageous humor. But this wasn’t to entertain. The humor was used as a teaching tool, closely related to the topics, and to enhance learning. 

 

It wasn’t a lecture. It was a fast-moving, free-wheeling, joy-ride through the world of marketing. I flourished under this teaching style, and  Dr. Prough was my best professor ever, by far. I thoroughly soaked up everything presented in this course. I never looked at my watch during his class and was always

disappointed when it ended. 

 

As a result, my grades were stellar, but I don’t think I spoke up much during class the whole semester. I didn’t ask questions, since I understood everything the first time. I sat quietly in the last row and never spoke to Dr. Prough before, after, or outside of class. So, I didn’t think he even knew my name. 

 

An Outrageous Statement  

 

However, that was far from the case. Only a few students were left in the room as I finished my essay-question final exam in Promotional Strategies. They were clustered on the left side of the room, so I walked down the right aisle to turn in my exam booklet. Dr. Prough got up from his chair and met me before I turned the corner. I handed him my test. 

“You should be a marketing professor,” he said. 

 

I nodded and said, “Thank you.” But it was one of the most outrageous statements anyone has ever said to me. A marketing professor? That was laughable! It wasn’t even in the range of possibilities. I was vigorously job hunting and would be married in a few months. And why would he say that after one course? He really didn’t know that much about me. It was pure kooky talk. I immediately rejected the advice as pure folly. But I remembered that moment, only because it was so bizarre. 

 

The Reconnection 

 

I graduated, started my career, went to graduate school, and continued on with life. Several years later, the business college started a “Professor For A Day” program, where graduates were invited back to campus to teach a class. I participated a couple of times and enjoyed it. The third time I signed up, I received a call from the administrator asking if I would be interested in teaching Dr. Prough’s class. This was an honor. The first time teaching his class, I did such a good job that he always requested me for “Professor For A Day” and I taught in his class for years.  And now, before and after the class, I was able to spend time with him discussing marketing and life. We became good friends.  

 

When I taught Dr. Prough’s class, I would do short segments on real-life examples applied to marketing principles. After class, we would discuss my presentation and he would point out which elements worked best. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I was being mentored. The next time, I would repeat the good examples and add some new ones. Over time, I had a stellar presentation. The odd thing is, he never criticized any of the weak examples, he just praised the good stuff. 

 

The Next Step  

 

Around 2003, Indiana Wesleyan University opened a Cleveland campus and began recruiting adjunct business faculty. You didn’t need previous teaching experience, but you had to survive a challenging screening process. The final step was a 10-minute teaching presentation in front of the selection committee and every other person competing for a teaching position. This took place in a crowded conference room and was the most high-pressure presentation I have ever done. 

 

But I had been preparing for this moment, unknowingly, with Dr. Prough’s guidance, for years. I took the best segment from “Professor For A Day” , expanded it to 10 minutes, and then delivered it flawlessly under pressure. Almost all the other candidates had previous college teaching experience, but the campus dean told me later that my presentation was the best one that night. 

 

Hey, I’m A Professor 

 

Now I was adjunct faculty, but I was still inexperienced and unproven. Therefore, you start at the bottom. They gave me the course that nobody wants to teach: Basic Economics, at the associate degree level. Most students in the associate program have started their business careers and are taking college classes for the first time. They work all day, grab something to eat, and then it was my task to teach them economics from 6 to 10 p.m. The first night, they come into the class worried that economics will be too challenging and they will fail the class.

 

I quickly realized that I couldn’t just lecture on economics for four hours at night without the students falling asleep. So, I didn’t teach theories. I started with real-life examples that the students were familiar with, and I then extruded the theories out from the examples. It wasn’t a lecture. It was a quick-moving presentation with a lot of humor mixed in – not for entertainment purposes, but to reinforce the concepts. The university also provided videos and projects to break up class time. 

 

And it worked. The students had expected economics to be difficult and boring, but they loved my class. One student labeled it “stand-up economics”, since I had told them I had done stand-up comedy. And best yet, they were learning economics – really learning economics. They were getting it. 

 

My first five-week course went well. I was making the long drive home after the second night of my second course, energized because the class had just gone so well. “Wow,” I thought to myself. “You are good at this, and good, very quickly. You even have a style! Where did that come from? What does it remind you of?” 

 

And then, of course, was the epiphany. It wasn’t my style, it was my version of Dr. George Prough’s. I was unconsciously mimicking the best professor I had ever known. Oh, and it worked so well!    

 

Absurd? – No, Absurdly Brilliant 

 

After proving myself by receiving great student reviews in my economics course, they asked me if I wanted to teach a bachelor’s level marketing class. I felt like a minor leaguer getting called up to the majors. Yes, I was a marketing professor – 26 years after Dr. Prough’s proclamation.  The statement that I had considered absurd, was no longer ridiculous. It was absurdly brilliant. The man had been able to ascertain my destiny by reading just a bit of my writing when I was a just 22 years old, and had been a mere 26 years ahead of me. That’s just extreme brilliance – there’s no other way to describe it.

 

When my marketing textbook arrived at my house, I unwrapped the package like a kid at Christmas. Then, I held the book in both hands like it was some sacred scroll. I was so mesmerized that I read all the introduction pages that no one ever reads. But I stopped when it claimed  the book had been reviewed by the top marketing professors in the country. “Oh yeah?” I thought. “All the top profs, huh?  We’ll see about that.” And I  searched the list for one name. And there it was. “Dr. George Prough – University of Akron”.  I felt honored and confident to be teaching from a text reviewed by my friend and mentor.

 

You would think this would be an opportunity for a celebration between Dr. Prough and me. Where we would share some drinks, share some laughs, and I would remind him about his advice given 26 years earlier. But sadly, there would be no celebration. Dr. Prough developed Parkinson’s disease and had to retire during this time. I did correspond with him briefly for a time.  

 

The last time I saw Dr. Prough was at a university breakfast in 2011. The disease had progressed and he was in a wheelchair. A large group of people gathered around to greet him. After the university president Dr. Luis Proenza had talked to Dr. Prough, I grabbed his shoulder, pointed at Dr. Prough, and said “The best. The absolute best”, and he nodded in agreement. I then said what was basically hello, and goodbye, to my mentor and friend. Dr. Prough passed away a year and a half later. I attended the funeral. 

 

I wanted so much to be a full-time marketing professor. I seriously looked at it three different times after that, but I just couldn’t make the personal finances work. I guess the time to have planned this move was maybe, say, 26 or so years ago? 


Mentoring Is Important

 

The whole purpose of this story is to say that mentoring and being mentored are so beneficial and needed. I could have written all these words about the concept of mentoring, but I chose instead to show you, instead of tell you. (I wonder how I learned to do that?)

 

Therefore, I said all that to say this: 

 

If you are at the stage of your career, where you are confident enough that you don’t need to compete with everyone anymore, then share your knowledge about life, skills, philosophy, business, life-hacks with anyone who will listen. And if someone realizes the value in your wisdom, mentor them. 

 

Likewise, you younger folk, especially those who think you know it all, listen to the older guys (and women). It can keep you from making so many stupid mistakes. It can help you achieve more in your career, much faster. So, if you find someone willing to invest in you as a mentor, seize the opportunity. 

 

 

 

 

 

Tuesday, February 1, 2022

When A Dog Dies

When a dog dies ….

January was a brutal month for my pet-loving friends, as several of the animals crossed the rainbow bridge. January 18 was a sorrowful day, with two good friends saying goodbye to their old dogs forever. One of these was a service dog that had been a faithful and dutiful helper for 14 years. The other was a beloved companion to a woman who had suffered some hardships over the past couple of years.

The timing of these hit home for me. My one and only dog passed on the same week in 2018. Until then, I never realized what happens when a dog dies.

When a dog dies ….

You do not own a dog. You form a relationship. And the dog understands it is a relationship also. As much as you love your dog, be assured he loves you more. Because while the dog is a part of your life, you are the dog’s life. You are it. To your dog, you are a god. You feed it, you play with it, you spend time together, and you care for its every need. You certainly are a supreme being in your dog’s eyes.

This is why your dog greets you so enthusiastically when you return home or reenter a room. Your dog is special to you because no one in the world is happier to see you than your dog. My daughter’s dog Lily rips around the house and barks loudly when I visit. And I’m not even her owner. She pounces on my lap and eagerly tries to kiss me as soon as I sit down. I should have been this popular back in high school.

But you are supremely important to your dog. It’s why the dog is happy to see you. It’s why the dog shows you such affection. It’s why the dog studies your patterns and actions and conforms to your lifestyle as much as it can. The dog seeks to form a strong bond with you. It may be even more potent than a human bond. I would contend that lovers bond more strongly at the beginning of a relationship, but the strength of that bond usually mellows over time. The bond between dog and human actually never stops growing.

From the human side, the dog is better than any friend. He will not abandon you, when it seems everyone else has. He is always happy to see you. On those dreadful days when you’ve been yelled at, lied to, backstabbed, hated, etc. Your dog merely wants to lick your face. Dogs know when you are struggling, when you are down, when you are ill. That’s because they have been intently watching your expressions, routines, and movements – all to love and respond to you better.

When a dog dies …

You can’t understand what a person experiences when their dog passes until you experience it yourself. Before I had a dog, when someone’s dog died, I knew they were sad because they no longer had a pet. I understood sadness, and I understood pets, so I understood what was happening - right? Not even close.

It’s typically a more profound pain than the death of a cat. I have experienced both. Now, this is not to create competition or spur arguments. Dogs have the ability to bond with their human more deeply than other pets. Therefore, the pain of separation is more intense. Some exceptional cats bond with their owners in extraordinary ways. In those cases, I imagine the grief is similar. So cat owners, in most cases, take your grief level and turn it up a notch, to know what it’s like when a dog dies.

When a dog dies …..

The grieving process for a dog can take months. I was crushed when my dog died. I don’t know how long it took the pain to stop. I do know that three months afterwards, I was sitting alone in the Indianapolis airport waiting to go home. I was still grieving my dog’s death and had just received some bad news about another matter. As I sat there distressed, I was interrupted by the service dog they walk around to help people who are – well, in distress. “Are you okay?” the handler inquired. I reached down and patted the dog on the head as he looked at me soulfully. “I’m okay,” I replied. “But I do feel better now.” 


When a dog dies …..

The bond between dog and person is one of the great joys in life. It brings happiness to the human, and we can’t even imagine what the dog experiences from the growing friendship over the many years. The bond grows so intense that the dog is not just an external being; the dog becomes part of you.

But when a dog dies, that part gets ripped away. You lose a piece of your soul that you can never get back. And that’s what creates the agony, hurt, and grief.

When a dog dies …..

It takes a long time to recover. Peace to all those who have lost their four-footed friends.

Wednesday, January 26, 2022

What To Say (And Do) To Grieving People

 This is Part 2 of Grieving People, for Part 1:  https://deepheavystuff.blogspot.com/2022/01/what-not-to-say-to-grieving-people.html

In the last post, we looked at what not to say to someone who’s grieving due to a death of a close loved one. But you do need to say something, so here’s what you should say.  

Why is this important? The grieving person is in extreme emotional pain and needs to be treated with gentleness and kindness. So, no matter what, communication needs to be gentle and compassionate.

Imagine you are talking to someone lying in a hospital bed with third-degree burns. They are entirely bandaged up and looking at you through a space in the gauze. The grieving person is in as much internal agony as the physical pain of this patient. Treat them accordingly.

Rule #1 - When speaking with a grieving person:

Do not say a lot. Let your words be few.

For emphasis:

DO NOT SAY A LOT. LET YOUR WORDS BE FEW.

The more you talk, the more likely you are to drift into the things not to say category.

Think before you speak and keep your words at a minimum. No more than eight words at a time are needed. And this goes for follow-up statements. Every statement you make should be concise and to the point.

The reason you do not need many words, to paraphrase Woody Allen, 80% of your caring is just showing up. It’s your presence that’s important, not your words. You are being there for them, that’s enough.

Rule #2 – It is not your responsibility or purpose to make the grieving person feel better with your words.

This rule is difficult for us positive and compassionate types to follow. As my good friend Lynn points out, in response to the previous post, “there isn't a d@mn thing that will make a grieving person feel better.”

And in trying to lift the person’s spirits, you risk the unintended outcomes detailed in the previous post. At that moment, the grieving person is not supposed to feel better; they are just supposed to grieve. And grieving involves pain. So, even though you are tempted to say positive things, No! Just no.

Rule #3 – Be kind, compassionate, and somber.

Yes, this is common sense. But sometimes, common sense isn’t as common as you think, and it’s always best to have three rules.

Practical Examples

The best thing to say, according to Theresa, and people commenting on the previous post, is:

“I’m sorry for your loss.”

Five words, shows sorrow, communicates caring and empathy. Although not grammatically correct, you are not apologizing; it has become the shortened version of “I’m sorrowful for your loss”. You can raise the intensity with “I’m so sorry for your loss”.

Using even fewer words:

“My condolences.”

The word condolences is a substitute for the verb form of sympathy. Condolences are expressing feelings of sorrow for someone else’s loss or misfortune”. So, you are expressing sorrow for their loss. “My deepest condolences”, takes it up a notch. “My deepest sympathies” does work if you deem condolences too formal.

The Rest of the Conversation

After expressing your sorrow, let the other person speak. Respond by agreeing with what they said. Nod a lot. If appropriate, a hug or a hand on the shoulder helps convey that you care. But keep your words limited and on track: no advice, platitudes, or anything else from the previous post.

But You’re Not Done Yet

Theresa (who lost her daughter due to an aggressive cancer) emphasized that highly traumatized people need special care after the tragedy.

“There’s 200 people at the funeral – then nobody calls afterward,” she bemoaned.

Her advice:

-       Don’t ignore them.                                                                    

-       Don’t turn your back on them.

-       Knock on the door with flowers.

-       Invite them out for coffee or lunch.

-       Hug them when you see them.

If you are a close friend, you have a responsibility to help the person through the grieving process. This is difficult because as humans we attempt to avoid people who have suffered loss. We feel uncomfortable, awkward; we don’t know what to say.

I failed at this years ago with a co-worker who tragically lost his wife suddenly due to a rapidly invasive cancer. When he returned to work after several months, I knew I should say something but didn’t, because of the factors above. But that was wrong. I needed to say something. I needed to express condolences and never did. (I’m correcting that misdeed and sending him this post)

Coffee Talk

You can say more when you meet the person for coffee, lunch, or wherever down the road. But still don’t say any of the comments listed in the previous post. Let them talk, and you listen. They may spiritually bleed all over the table, and that’s okay. It’s part of the grieving process. But you are there, and that’s more important than anything.

Be kind, be compassionate (Theresa’s words). Do not tell them how to grieve because we all grieve differently and the length of time needed greatly varies. You can make positive statements at this time but they should be short and tailored to the individual person.

And you will have to initiate these meetings. The grieving person will not reach out because they hurt too much. This is on you. You will resist doing it, BUT IT MUST BE DONE. It is YOUR responsibility as a friend.

Two More Things

Don’t be afraid to say their name (the deceased). Theresa said this, and my good friend Vicki, who lost her adult daughter, commented in response to my previous post:

“What bothers me is when people grimace or move away when I mention her, and this can be friends and family.”

Also, both women emphasized that time does not heal this wound. It is so deep, that it never goes away. Therefore, treat these people with special care – always.

The End

This is the deepest, heaviest stuff there is. Now you know what to say, and what not to say to a grieving person. And if you are that grieving person, I hope you realize that people say stupid things under stress, and you extend grace to them. I wish you peace.

 

Tuesday, January 18, 2022

What Not To Say To Grieving People

The worst part of life is death. Not our own death; sometimes, we don’t even see our demise coming. Other times, we have ample time to prepare. But it’s dealing with the deaths of others which is so painful. When it is someone close to us, the agony is so potent, we give it a special name: grief.

Grief is one of the most complex elements of the human psyche. It impacts us in ways psychologists still cannot fully understand. This suffering is difficult to decipher because we all grieve differently. The timing, the intensity, the mixing of complex emotions, all varies. It’s difficult to describe and unpredictable.

I’ve wailed, not just cried, but wailed, one time in my entire life. I had just finished all the paperwork in the nursing facility where my mother died. As I walked down the hall past her old room for the last time, I felt this rage of emotion bubbling deep within me. I sped up my pace, through the lobby, out the door until I was trotting across the parking lot. I made it to my car, shut the door, and wailed. Wailed loud, wailed hard, wailed long.

And the most important thing I learned is that you must grieve. If you don’t properly grieve, it’s as if you swallow a poison pill, and the poison stays within you, inflicting all sorts of pain and creating problems in your life, but you don’t even realize this poison is in you and causing hidden damage. You must grieve to expel the poison out of your soul.

Therefore, grieving hurts terribly but must occur. And we often encounter friends and associates who have suffered a great loss, such as the unexpected death of a spouse or child. We know they are in pain, and we feel the need to comfort them. So, we search for something positive to say in this horribly, terrible time. 

But we are uncomfortable around grieving people. This puts us, and our brains, under an enormous amount of stress. We need to say something. But because of the pressure, we don’t search for the right thing to say, and we blurt out whatever thought pops into to our minds. We want to say something helpful and encouraging, but sometimes we say the wrong things. We don’t mean to, but our comments can actually be hurtful if we are not careful.  


The danger here, is the grieving person is trapped in a fiery circle of distress. They have just lost a spouse, a parent, a child, a best friend, a lover. They are not thinking clearly, they are not responding normally, they are not fully functioning, they are just hurting. Thus, be extremely careful what you say to them when they are in this vulnerable state.

This subject was already on my future blog list when I overheard my friend Theresa discussing this very issue with another friend at an event recently. Theresa lost her daughter several years ago to acute lymphoblastic leukemia. She shared her feelings with me during a lengthy discussion on the topic. She provided me with a few examples of the wrong thing to say  quoted off the top of her head because she has heard them so often:

Here are a few examples about what not to say:

“God doesn’t give you more than you can handle”

In the same vein –

“God must have thought you were strong enough to do this to you”

What’s wrong here:

You might be a person of faith, but right now, this grieving person has some severe issues, questions, and doubts about THE CREATOR. They are not very happy with God right now. The person doesn’t want, nor needs, to hear your pop theology at this moment. You are not a pastor or counselor, so steer clear of this road. Over time, the person will need to work this out, maybe with professional help, as part of the grieving process.

And similar to this, also avoid: Everything happens for a reason. Because in these cases – there is no good reason. So, no.

“She’s in a better place.”

and

“They are always with you.”

 What’s wrong here:

Even if the statements are factual in a sense, they provide little comfort to the person. The departed loved one is not physically here. The grieving person has suffered a loss, resulting in something being gone from their life. There is a vast void. These statements imply that the void doesn’t matter, when it is the most painful part of the ordeal.

“I know how you feel”

and

“Time will ease your pain”

and

“You can move on now”

What’s wrong here: Unless you have suffered something as traumatic as the person, you can’t possibly know how this person feels at that moment. If you have been traumatized this much, you probably already know not to communicate this thought in this way. But even if you have suffered something similar, the person’s grief will still be different, perhaps much more intense, than you experienced. The truth is, you don’t know how they feel. So, no.

The fact that time may ease the pain, and the person will eventually move on, offers no comfort in the present. It’s totally irrelevant to a person currently in intense pain.

The Results

The previous examples are not just random utterances; they are often spoken by well-meaning people. However, they do not provide comfort. Sometimes, they inflict more pain.

Theresa told me, “There were times after hearing the same statement for the umpteenth time, that I felt like punching the person in the face.”

My Purpose In Writing About This

The purpose of this essay is not to chastise you for making these statements. We have all said the wrong thing to the wrong person at the wrong time. The reason to discuss this deep, heavy stuff is to help you in the future when you encounter someone in severe grief. Please remember to think before you speak, and not say the statements, or anything similar to it, previously discussed.

“But Don, you’ve told us what not to say. I hate articles that tell you what not to do, but don’t tell you what to do instead.” Well, so do I. And in Part 2, we will look at, based on Theresa’s experience, what we need to say to grieving people and what they need from us.