What To Say (And Do) To Grieving People

 This is Part 2 of Grieving People, for Part 1:  https://deepheavystuff.blogspot.com/2022/01/what-not-to-say-to-grieving-people.html

In the last post, we looked at what not to say to someone who’s grieving due to a death of a close loved one. But you do need to say something, so here’s what you should say.  

Why is this important? The grieving person is in extreme emotional pain and needs to be treated with gentleness and kindness. So, no matter what, communication needs to be gentle and compassionate.

Imagine you are talking to someone lying in a hospital bed with third-degree burns. They are entirely bandaged up and looking at you through a space in the gauze. The grieving person is in as much internal agony as the physical pain of this patient. Treat them accordingly.

Rule #1 - When speaking with a grieving person:

Do not say a lot. Let your words be few.

For emphasis:

DO NOT SAY A LOT. LET YOUR WORDS BE FEW.

The more you talk, the more likely you are to drift into the things not to say category.

Think before you speak and keep your words at a minimum. No more than eight words at a time are needed. And this goes for follow-up statements. Every statement you make should be concise and to the point.

The reason you do not need many words, to paraphrase Woody Allen, 80% of your caring is just showing up. It’s your presence that’s important, not your words. You are being there for them, that’s enough.

Rule #2 – It is not your responsibility or purpose to make the grieving person feel better with your words.

This rule is difficult for us positive and compassionate types to follow. As my good friend Lynn points out, in response to the previous post, “there isn't a d@mn thing that will make a grieving person feel better.”

And in trying to lift the person’s spirits, you risk the unintended outcomes detailed in the previous post. At that moment, the grieving person is not supposed to feel better; they are just supposed to grieve. And grieving involves pain. So, even though you are tempted to say positive things, No! Just no.

Rule #3 – Be kind, compassionate, and somber.

Yes, this is common sense. But sometimes, common sense isn’t as common as you think, and it’s always best to have three rules.

Practical Examples

The best thing to say, according to Theresa, and people commenting on the previous post, is:

“I’m sorry for your loss.”

Five words, shows sorrow, communicates caring and empathy. Although not grammatically correct, you are not apologizing; it has become the shortened version of “I’m sorrowful for your loss”. You can raise the intensity with “I’m so sorry for your loss”.

Using even fewer words:

“My condolences.”

The word condolences is a substitute for the verb form of sympathy. Condolences are expressing feelings of sorrow for someone else’s loss or misfortune”. So, you are expressing sorrow for their loss. “My deepest condolences”, takes it up a notch. “My deepest sympathies” does work if you deem condolences too formal.

The Rest of the Conversation

After expressing your sorrow, let the other person speak. Respond by agreeing with what they said. Nod a lot. If appropriate, a hug or a hand on the shoulder helps convey that you care. But keep your words limited and on track: no advice, platitudes, or anything else from the previous post.

But You’re Not Done Yet

Theresa (who lost her daughter due to an aggressive cancer) emphasized that highly traumatized people need special care after the tragedy.

“There’s 200 people at the funeral – then nobody calls afterward,” she bemoaned.

Her advice:

-       Don’t ignore them.                                                                    

-       Don’t turn your back on them.

-       Knock on the door with flowers.

-       Invite them out for coffee or lunch.

-       Hug them when you see them.

If you are a close friend, you have a responsibility to help the person through the grieving process. This is difficult because as humans we attempt to avoid people who have suffered loss. We feel uncomfortable, awkward; we don’t know what to say.

I failed at this years ago with a co-worker who tragically lost his wife suddenly due to a rapidly invasive cancer. When he returned to work after several months, I knew I should say something but didn’t, because of the factors above. But that was wrong. I needed to say something. I needed to express condolences and never did. (I’m correcting that misdeed and sending him this post)

Coffee Talk

You can say more when you meet the person for coffee, lunch, or wherever down the road. But still don’t say any of the comments listed in the previous post. Let them talk, and you listen. They may spiritually bleed all over the table, and that’s okay. It’s part of the grieving process. But you are there, and that’s more important than anything.

Be kind, be compassionate (Theresa’s words). Do not tell them how to grieve because we all grieve differently and the length of time needed greatly varies. You can make positive statements at this time but they should be short and tailored to the individual person.

And you will have to initiate these meetings. The grieving person will not reach out because they hurt too much. This is on you. You will resist doing it, BUT IT MUST BE DONE. It is YOUR responsibility as a friend.

Two More Things

Don’t be afraid to say their name (the deceased). Theresa said this, and my good friend Vicki, who lost her adult daughter, commented in response to my previous post:

“What bothers me is when people grimace or move away when I mention her, and this can be friends and family.”

Also, both women emphasized that time does not heal this wound. It is so deep, that it never goes away. Therefore, treat these people with special care – always.

The End

This is the deepest, heaviest stuff there is. Now you know what to say, and what not to say to a grieving person. And if you are that grieving person, I hope you realize that people say stupid things under stress, and you extend grace to them. I wish you peace.