I’ve Been Down That Road Too

It had been such a pleasant lunch …

Several years ago, I was having lunch with my good friend and coworker Marla. I had not talked with her much recently, and catching up on various topics was enjoyable.

It had been such a pleasant lunch … until I asked this question:

“How’s your project coming along?”  

Now, this seemed like a harmless inquiry. Marla and I had worked at the same company for a few years. She had been assigned a high-visibility, important project at the company and I merely wanted to see how it was going. One could argue that it would have been rude not to ask about it.

It had been such a pleasant lunch …. but the atmosphere changed dramatically.

Marla quickly bowed her head, looking straight down at the table. She mumbled about her struggles and said she wasn’t confident she could get it done.

My natural reaction would have been to encourage her and offer words of compassion to make her feel better at that moment. But that’s not what popped out of my mouth.

Her physical posture had not changed, so I was talking to the top of her head.

I said, “This type of project is much more difficult than you ever thought it would be. You are now doubting your ability to finish the job. You are questioning if the outcome will be any good and whether you will get any recognition from management for your efforts. You are wondering if all your effort is just a huge waste of time. You love your job, but you hate what you are feeling right now.”

At this, her head snapped back up. She stares at me incredulously with a couple of tears in her eyes and asks, almost demanding, in an aggressive voice, “How do you know that?”

Now, inside I’m laughing hysterically because it sounds like she thinks I’m some mystical mind reader, but Marla is extremely serious at this point, so I can’t even break a smile and remain stoic.  

I then explained that I had worked on two similar projects earlier in my career. “We’ve walked that same road,” I said. “I’m just further on the journey than you are.” She then was so relieved that her feelings were not as strange, nor wrong, as she had imagined. I had validated and affirmed her emotions.

She felt much better about her situation and looked for even more positive vibes in the glow of this epiphany. “But it gets much better as you get past this point? she asked. And then my expression turned somber. “It doesn’t get any easier,” I cautioned. “But you, you will become tougher as you move along.”

The Mistake We All Make

Marla had made the mistake of thinking her feelings were wrong, weird, and unjustified, when actually, her feelings were quite common in her situation. It is that sense of commonality that binds us together as humans. How she felt was not strange, it was merely human. And when she realized that, it became such a pleasant lunch once again. Everyone feels that way at some point in their life we just don’t realize it.

Therefore, it is so important to be around people going through the same issues and struggles as you, the definition of a support group, and to be honest enough to share your feelings, struggles, and fears. Marla felt comfortable enough to share her vulnerabilities with me. If she had lied and said, “everything is fine,” she would not have realized that her struggle was typical. She was not a failure, just a human being with natural fears and emotions.

This is part of the mentoring process. A traveler who has taken the journey explaining the way to someone still on the journey. Advising them on roads to take and what roads to avoid and warning them about the struggles they will face. I was able to help Marla because I’d been down that road too. So, help your fellow journeymen along the way as much as possible.

Life Lesson: You are not as unique as you think you are. And – People are very willing to help you if you are honest enough to share your struggles.