Be Kind

Because someone, somewhere, needs to hear this …

I made a 2020 New Year’s resolution to be kind or be kinder.

Awww, Don, that is so great of you. You are such an awesome person. You want to be kind to people. You are so wonderful …

No, not so much. For me to have to make this resolution means I have not been kind to people recently. I have been mean, I have been inconsiderate, I have been a jerk. So much so, that I am aware I need to change my behavior.

Thus, the resolution.

My rude behavior became an issue at the start of 2018. That year began with a horrible case of influenza, followed closely with the death of my dog. Then there were a series of frustrating problems with the release of my second book. By March, I was totally fizzed off at the world. So much so that I aggressively unloaded on two people on the phone who had done nothing wrong (one was even work-related). My mood, and thus my behavior, didn’t improve much that year. And I continued to be extremely cranky in 2019, as I struggled with health issues for most of the year.

Now I’d like to think these are valid reasons for my bad behavior. But often my “reasons” are really just excuses. The types of excuses which give us reasons to “excuse” our bad behavior, but make us feel good. In reality, I have been irritated for two years and have responded by being irritating to other people.

Let’s think through this logic. I’m irritated, so I’m going to make other people irritated too. I’m angry, so I’m going to make other people angry too. I’m frustrated …… This is behavior more consistent with a third-grader, but we see it in others, and often display it ourselves.

So, I decided to make this resolution to be kind or kinder this year. I expected to have no problem keeping this resolution because I’m not really rude that often anyway, am I? Yes, it’s a resolution, but I got this! (Insert hysterical laughter here).

However, my work year hadn’t even begun when I got an email from a colleague totally ignoring the agreed to plan for dealing with the first task of the new year on Monday. I immediately started to construct a snarky email chiding them for not following my plan. Then, I remembered, Be Kind. I ignored their indiscretion and proceeded with things on Monday as planned, and guess what? Even though I wasn’t snarky, everything turned out great.

But this was going to be much more difficult than I thought, so I posted a small “Be Kind” sign on the wall above my desk to remind me of my resolution.  And I needed that help, because the following week a co-worker messaged me a stupid question, right in the middle of a hectic day. I had already given them the answer to this question just an hour before, and now I had to take time to answer it again. Once again, I began to type a cynical e-mail. But then I

remembered, this co-worker is dealing with a serious, life-threatening condition. They probably shouldn’t even be working. So, I simply answered their question again, with no disparaging comments.

Don, you are such an angel - being so nice and kind to that sick co-worker. I wish I were as wonderful as you.

And then it hit me – I had a realization …..

WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE?

Why should it matter at all if the co-worker has cancer or some other serious disease? Why should I only be kind to the sick and dying? Why wouldn’t I be just as kind to the healthy and living? It should not make any difference at all.

And just when I thought I was making excellent progress, disaster struck on February 10. Usually, you break your resolutions without much fanfare. Maybe you slip up a little here, a little there, until you just give up and gradually return to your old habits. In many cases, you even forget your resolution by the end of January.

But not this year, I didn’t just break my resolution. I pulverized it into little pieces that exploded all over me and anyone else in the area. This happened away from the house, out of sight from that sign on the wall, which had been so helpful. I was unkind, extremely unkind. It was classic third-grade brat behavior, done publicly in front of several people. If I were in third-grade, I would have been sent to “time out”. It’s one of those acts that are so bad that apologizing afterward really doesn’t help.

Typically, when you break a resolution, you say, “Oh well, at least I tried” and go on with life, even if it’s January 2nd. But maybe this kindness resolution requires more effort. Maybe it deserves a second chance. The author Henry James would agree. He said: "Three things in human life are important. The first is to be kind. The second is to be kind. And the third is to be kind."

And kind people are my favorite type of people. The best people I have ever known have been the most kind. They make you feel good, and those are the people you like to be around. When someone extends kindness to you, it makes you feel special. Want to be more popular? Be kind. Want people to treat you better? Be kind. Want to attract a lover? Don’t concentrate on being sexy. Be kind.

Showing kindness is too important to dismiss. Our society is becoming ruder and less kind every day. Our politicians and corporate gods are unkind. Our celebrities and tweeters are unkind. There is a kindness shortage. There is a kindness crisis. Therefore, kindness is a valuable commodity that we desperately need more of.

We can’t change the world tomorrow, but I assure you we can change our world tomorrow - just by being kind to everyone we encounter. Yes, that’s some deep, heavy stuff, right there.

The Book mentions kind or kindness over 80 times. It doesn’t command us to be kind as much as it reminds us of how good kindness is. It assumes we already know we should be kind, so it encourages us to do what we already know we should.

And I know I should be kinder, that I should extend kindness to others whether they deserve it or not. Whether they are sick or not. Whether they are weak or not. Even if I don’t like them, I need to be kind to them.

So, the resolution may have been broken, but the sign stays on the wall. And the journey continues ……