I’m Done (At the Bottom – Part 5)

I had just failed to land a job at the same company for the fifth time. I was an excellent fit for the job and probably the leading candidate, but the company had decided to eliminate the position.

But this failure didn’t phase me. It only hurt for a moment because I had learned to bounce right back instinctively. In effect, I had become immune to the enduring pain this once would have caused.

That evening, I took off for my two-mile power walk feeling fine. But I must have been thinking about my recent failure. Something was different this time. Typically, after a loss, I would quickly move on to the next opportunity, plan, strategy, etc. And I would have the energy and the will to pursue it.

But now, there was no next opportunity, and my desire to keep fighting was

gone. Near the halfway point of my walk, I came to a distressing revelation:

This challenge was coming to an end, and I had lost. I had tried as hard as I could, but it wasn’t enough. It’s not as if I was quitting, but the game clock had hit triple-zero, and this game was over.

I uttered a two-word prayer: I’m Done. It didn’t mean I was done with life – more like life was done with me. And I wasn’t done with THE CREATOR. It was just an admission that I could not continue in this mission.

The walk back home was brutal. I thought about what this failure would mean. I was working in a job that utilized none of my skills and was failing tremendously at it. I hated it, and they were not pleased with me either. They had tried to get me to quit four months earlier, but I had hung on – by a thread. Now I was loosening my grip; I wouldn’t last there much longer.

I thought about what the next few years would be like having lost this fight. I wasn’t afraid of hitting the bottom again. I had been there once and survived. I was scared I wouldn’t have the strength to crawl back out of the pit again.

But prayers are one of the great mysteries of life. We think our prayers must be lengthy, eloquent pleas, filled with all sorts of bargaining and reasons why we should receive the desired result. Yet, we see instances in THE BOOK where people are so distraught, they can’t even speak the words, and their prayer is still answered. We try to manipulate THE CREATOR by our prayers, which is an absurd concept. Yet, we do this repeatedly, and it never works out. I have come to believe that honesty is a crucial component of prayer that we conveniently overlook. THE CREATOR wants us to be honest above all else.

I’m Done on the surface seems like such a feeble prayer. It lacks fervency. It lacks substance. It even lacks faith. It is an admission of failure. It is a surrender. It is devoid of hope, not even including a request.

But there was a lot of meaning packed into those two words. It reflected four years of striving, four hard years of personal and spiritual growth. I was a much different person than when this challenge began, but now I sensed this struggle was coming to an end, and it was. The only redeeming quality of this prayer is it was honest, brutally honest. I’m Done seems so ineffectual, and yet it turned out to be the second most powerful prayer I have ever uttered.

My instincts were indeed correct. I was done. This ordeal was about to come to an end, but not at all how I expected. Three weeks later, I received an email from a former colleague who said he wanted to discuss an opportunity. I thought this would be contract work which I had discussed with him previously, and that I was not interested in.

“We have a position coming available in a few months. We’ve discussed it, and we think no one can do this job better than you.”

This, after not being in the industry for years. No resume. No interview. Just boom! A job that fully utilizes my best skills. A job more prestigious than the one I was suddenly separated from four years prior.

Now you could think I got lucky, but I believe many times “you make your own luck”. I had crawled out the pit. I had stayed active. I had stayed visible. I had made progress.

So often, we become frustrated at our lack of progress. We dismiss only making it to the middle ground because we desire the top of the mountain. But NEVER, NEVER, discount the progress that you have made. It is valuable ground you have secured. And often, that middle ground provides you with a launching pad to greater things.

I had lost every battle in this conflict. I had been defeated every time. By definition, I was a loser. But I never saw myself as one. I didn’t define myself that way. I pushed on regardless of prior defeats. And in the end, I lost every battle – yet still won the war.

 

 

 

 

 

Resilience, Persistence, Perseverance (At the Bottom – Part 4)

 “You can lose every battle, yet still win the war”- Don Ake

Through my life experience, including my climb out of the pit, I believe that one of the most valuable traits one can possess is resilience.

Oxford Languages defines resilience as:

1.    the capacity to recover quickly from difficulties; toughness. 

2.    the ability of a substance or object to spring back into shape; elasticity. 

If you have resilience, you can endure anything life throws at you and bounce back. If you still have air in your lungs and the diagnosis is not terminal, then you will come fighting back.

However, saying you want to be resilient is like saying you want to climb Mt. Everest. You may achieve your goal, but not without a lot of effort, practice, and a great deal of pain. You become resilient by failing repeatedly.

The long climb back is full of difficulties and failures. You will develop the capacity to recover. You will gain toughness because you have no other choice.

There are two other traits you will pick up along the way:

Persistence: firm or obstinate continuance in a course of action in spite of difficulty or opposition.   

And                          

Perseverance: persistence in doing something despite difficulty or delay in achieving success.

This is going to be a long, arduous journey where to face difficulties and opposition. It will involve frequent losses and a long delay in getting to where you need to be.

How does perseverance work?

You tell yourself you are going to quit …

BUT YOU DO NOT QUIT

You convince yourself that it would be better if you quit …

BUT YOU DO NOT QUIT

You list all the advantages of quitting …

BUT YOU DO NOT QUIT

You tell yourself you are never going to win

BUT YOU DO NOT QUIT

You endure emotional pain that grinds on you

BUT YOU DO NOT QUIT

That Grind

And it is a heavy grind. You are going to lose, then lose again and lose some more. Lose, lose, lose, lose again.

You get punched in the face so often that you become impervious to the pain. This is not entirely a good thing. Pain exists for a reason. Some friends asked why I was so persistent. The honest answer was: Because it doesn’t hurt anymore.

However, this is what it takes to ultimately achieve success. If you are committed to climbing out of the pit and getting back to where you were, this is the price you must pay. Unfortunately, the longer the fall, the longer the climb back. There are no shortcuts. You may not be responsible for ending up in the pit, but you are responsible for climbing out. So climb, and don’t stop climbing. Resilience … Persistence … Perseverance                                     

The Back Story

Of course, the only way I could describe everything I have written to this point is to have experienced it myself. My ability as a writer is based on my capacity to feel emotions intensely and express those emotions in words.

I was plunged into the pit years ago due to a loss of a long-time job. I should not have reacted this poorly to that event (a subject of a future post), which is my responsibility. It was also my responsibility to climb out of this pit.

If you charted my progress at that time, it was slow and painful. It looked like this:

Loss, loss, loss, big loss, loss, terrible loss, loss, stupid loss, loss, painful loss, dispiriting loss ……

Through the process, I learned resilience. I learned to bounce back, much like a shortstop, after diving for a ground ball instantly. It is the most valuable skill I acquired during this process.

Persistence? Oh, there was obstinate continuous, alright. I was turned down by the same company five times for five different positions.

Perseverance? There was much difficulty and pain, and my climb back took years.

After four years of battles, if my internal condition was visualized, my clothes were in tatters and contained a couple of near-miss bullet holes. My face was bruised and battered, and there were numerous bloodstains.

I had fought as hard as I could and I had lost every battle – every one. At that point, you could have considered me a loser. You could have pitied me.

And then suddenly, unexpectedly, I won the war. (“How”, explained in the next post).

“You can lose every battle, yet still win the war”- Don Ake

 

 

 

 

The Long Climb Out – (At the Bottom – Part 3)

It only takes a second to fall from your pedestal, your position, your place, or your life, into the pit. The unexpected meeting, phone call, text, tragedy, collision, diagnosis, overdose, etc., changes your life in an instant. But one of the cruel realities of life is that the plunge into the pit is sudden, but the climb out is long and arduous.

Hitting the bottom makes you numb. The shock is jarring, and initially, you can’t think, and you can’t feel. Unfortunately, when this wears off, the pain arrives – overwhelming, debilitating pain. When some of the pain subsides, you are ready to begin your climb out.

This process is grueling. For many people, it’s the most difficult challenge they will ever face. It is painfully slow, full of repeated setbacks. You will be frequently frustrated at your lack of progress. But you will move at the right pace for you.

It’s not important how fast you move, just that you keep moving forward. You may have to crawl, but just like an infant, you must learn to crawl before you walk. And to walk before you run.

And you will fail and fail repeatedly. And you will lose and lose repeatedly. You will lose so often that people will consider you a loser. At times you will feel like a loser. But let me assure you this: If you are still in the game. If you are still at the table. If when you breathe in, your lungs receive oxygen. You are not a loser. You are a warrior who has not yet achieved the victory. Resilience is the most valuable trait you can possess. (more of this in the next post). Crawl on, walk on, run on – Move forward.

For most of this journey, you will walk alone. Unfortunately, you can’t rely on most people to help you out. The people who hung with you at the top will quickly abandon you at the bottom. It’s just human nature. However, there will be a few people, special people, who will help pull you out of the pit. Cherish them – they are your true friends.

The most valuable skill you will acquire during this time is the ability to recover from a failure or loss. Before your fall, a setback in your life may have caused you distress for a month or more. But now, you will fail repeatedly. You will fail so much that at some point, it barely phases you at all. You will learn to take a punch and not be afraid to get hit again. You will learn how to get knocked down and instinctively bounce back up. You will become a human weeble. You will wobble, but you won’t fall down.

At some point, you face the acid test. After you have suffered failures. After people view you as a failure. When people would rather pity you than help you. Your success at climbing out of the pit comes down to this: 

EITHER YOU BELIEVE IN YOURSELF – OR YOU DON’T

This is where you reach down deep and decide who you are, what you have to offer, and where you want to go. And then make the choice:

EITHER YOU BELIEVE IN YOURSELF – OR YOU DON’T

It doesn’t matter who else believes in you, who else cares for you, or who makes the effort to help you ….

EITHER YOU BELIEVE IN YOURSELF – OR YOU DON’T

There will be those dark days when you feel alone. You will feel completely  abandoned. You will doubt yourself. You will feel as if no one cares.

It is at those times, for the people of FAITH to trust in the promise of THE CREATOR, that he will never leave you nor forsake you. And why are those words there? Why are they even in THE BOOK, when that truth seems so obvious? Precisely for these dark days. Yes, you know it’s true, but you need to hear it repeatedly in your journey upward. This truth is so essential that it appears near the beginning of THE BOOK and is repeated again near the end.

Learning how to lose. Acquiring the skill of regaining your balance after getting knocked down. Believing in yourself. How well you do these things, make the difference of whether you stay down, bounce back, or bounce forward.

It’s What You Still Have (At the Bottom - Part 2)

I ambled across the room to greet her. As I approached, I noticed the hollowness of her eyes. It was as if the life had been totally sucked out of her, and in a way, it had. She appeared frail and transparent. I could see right through her. There was no hiding her pain, so she didn’t try. It was immense, overwhelming agony. She radiated anguish, and she was figuratively bleeding all over the floor.

She had lost her husband of over 20 years. It was sudden and unexpected. Her plunge to the bottom was deep and rapid, and the crash severe. This was of no fault of her own, and yet she probably found something with which to blame herself. Because that’s the type of irrational thinking you experience at the bottom.

It was the first time I had seen Cindy since the funeral seven months ago. I figured she would have been doing better by now. But how could I know what to expect, never having experienced a loss this devastating?  

Her condition caught me off guard. In a few seconds, I would speak to her, and what possibly could I say? I couldn’t ask, “How’s it going?” because she is going through hell, and I don’t want her to have to describe the trip. In fact, all small talk is out. Because it’s small, and what we have here is trauma, enormous trauma.

My brain starts spinning, trying to come up with the right words to say. I’m a positive person, and I don’t function well in negative situations, so my rule is to let my words be few. So, after the customary hellos, I blurt out:

It’s going to get better.

Cindy’s expression reflects complete rejection of my statement.

It’s going to get better; I restate it.

This time she scrunches her face and turns her head. She is hurting so badly, and the idea is so inconceivable, she can’t even verbally express her dismay.

Trust me. It’s going to get better (repeated for yet a third time in a slightly softer tone) 

Two lies you tell yourself at the bottom are: “It’s never going to get better” and “You’re always going to feel this way”. You really believe it’s always going to be this terrible. You can’t see the future because you are overwhelmed by the present.

How did I know it was going to get better? What I saw was a beautiful, smart, charming woman. With terrific children and an incredible family supporting her and half of her life still to be lived.

But Cindy couldn’t see that. You plummet to the bottom because you lost something – a person, a spouse, a relationship, a job, a status, an income, an asset, your dignity, your health, etc.

And at the bottom, all you can see is what you lost, not what you still have. We agonize over the loss. We want the lost thing back so desperately. We yearn to go back in time. But that can’t happen.

What you still have left, after the fall, is vitally important. It’s what you will build upon as you move forward. It is the platform on which your recovery begins. It is your base; it is your core. And that doesn’t disappear, no matter how far you fall.

So, to repeat with emphasis. After the fall:

IT’S NOT WHAT YOU LOST THAT’S IMPORTANT – IT’S WHAT YOU STILL HAVE

A year later, I could tell Cindy was coping better, and the grieving process was continuing. My message to her was the same.

“It’s going to get better,” I said again.

“I hope so,” she replied.

Ah, there was hope! So, I raised the bar.

“I think it’s going to get much better,” I emphasized with a smile.

When I saw the hope in her eyes, I knew she was on her way back.

But she had lost something precious, a great husband and a great man. Her life had been great, greater than she had ever realized, until he was gone. This recovery was going to take some time.

And then it happened. Her life became good. And then her life became great once again. I don’t know if her life now is better than before the tragedy, but it could be. Regardless, Cindy has a great life. And that’s because:

It’s not what you lost that’s ultimately important – It’s what you still have.

 

 

 

 

 

 

When You Hit Bottom

 Life is going along fine, maybe even wonderfully, when suddenly an unexpected tragedy rams into you, knocking you off your perch. You fall, and keep falling. Your head spins, as the life you knew slips through your fingers. You try to grab it, but there’s only air. You experience a flood of bad emotions. You can’t think. You can’t cry. It’s just one long, loud, internal scream.

And then comes the abrupt crash at the end. Of course, you don’t hear a thud, but the force of the blow shakes your inner core. It hammers your soul. It’s quietly painful and painfully quiet at the same time. You have hit bottom.

If you have never experienced this, I want you to continue reading to better understand when a friend or family member goes through this. If this has happened to you, then it will be a reminder of just how far you have come since then. And if you are at the bottom, read this slowly and understand that I know how it feels, and the words are true, to the best of my ability to express them.

We tend to judge the people who have hit bottom based on our perceived notions of how they got there. If it was bad decisions, we say “they deserved it”. If it was of “no fault of their own”, we find it tragic. But how we feel about them is of no interest to the person at the bottom. They all hurt just as desperately. The place is the same for all people. Rich, poor, educated, uneducated… The torment doesn’t discriminate. And regardless of the circumstances, all bottom dwellers will find some reason to blame themselves for their predicament. Even when it’s not your fault, you will savagely beat yourself up repeatedly at the bottom.

And this tendency to judge people because they deserved it? In the BOOK, when the MAN encountered someone at the bottom, he was not concerned about how they got there but totally focused on offering them a way out.

Now there are actually three good things about hitting bottom:

1.    You can’t fall any further. That plunge was traumatic and frightening, but you are on solid ground now. You have reached an endpoint.

2.    There is no confusion about which direction to go. There are no choices. There are no options. There is only one way out – straight up.

3.    It’s eerily quiet at the bottom. There are few distractions. If you want to hear the voice of the CREATOR, there is no interference or distractions.  

When you hit bottom, you land face first. This means initially, you lie there staring at the ground. You are focused on the ground and how you ended up there. You focus on the past. You are obsessed with the specific details that brought you there. You rewind the hell over and over. It’s like playing the same horror movie repeatedly, and you are the star of the show.

Therefore, step one in the recovery is to roll over and stare at the sky. That represents the future. And that’s where you are headed. But it’s still a struggle because you continue to think irrationally. You can’t trust your thoughts at the bottom because you keep telling yourself lies, such as:

-       There is no way out of this mess                                 

-       It’s always going to be this bad

-       I’m always going to feel this torment

-       My useful, relevant life has ended

And these are utter, complete lies. They seem ludicrous now to those who have ever been at the bottom of the pit, but they were so believable and destructive then.

In the pit, you can’t see the future. You can only see your failure – or your circumstance. It’s challenging to look forward even a year into the future when you are obsessed with just making it through the day. But there will be a future. It may be much different than the past, but it will be your future, which you can control. Dwelling on your past mistakes or misfortunes while trying to recover is like driving a car forward by looking in the rear-view mirror. You can’t go very fast or very straight. You have to rip the mirror off your car.

At the bottom, it is also easy to think that because the CREATOR threw you in the pit, he will just as suddenly lift you out. It may seem logical, but this is a false hope. Unfortunately, it doesn’t work like that. You must lift yourself up.

To climb out the pit, one must scratch and claw your way back - learning to celebrate small victories against sturdy resistance. The weight on the lifting machine has been set to the max, and now you must become strong enough to move it.

And move it, you will. Through the process, you gain the strength, the guts, the determination, the fortitude, and the skills to flourish in your next challenge in life. Life at the bottom is brutal, but can be empowering if you let it.

 

 

Corporate Loyalty Is Just Like Santa Claus

The previous post was about personal loyalty. This one deals with corporate loyalty. Well, not really, because corporate loyalty does not exist.

(I am defining “corporate” as large companies with more than, say, 100 employees. Company loyalty, at smaller organizations, can exist in some form)

Now, I know that some of you firmly believe it does exist. But believing in corporate loyalty is the adult equivalent of believing in Santa Claus. Like Santa, assuming that your corporation is loyal provides you with a warm, magical feeling. It is so comforting to think your employer is looking out for you and values you way beyond your contribution to the firm.  It is so uplifting and reassuring; it eliminates your fears knowing your job is secure and helps you sleep soundly every night.

Now please don’t respond to this concept with arguments about how corporate loyalty “does too exist!” I will view these objections with the same amusement I would listen to a five-year-old explain why Santa Claus is real. Yes, you can believe that corporate loyalty really exists. But like Santa Claus, it doesn’t, and I hate to be the one who burst your bubble.

The purpose of corporations is to generate profit. You are a resource that they use, or employ, to create that profit. Their job is to make money; you are only the means to make that money. As soon as your cost exceeds your benefit, you will be discarded. The difficulty here is you are trying to maximize your salary, which in turn increases your cost. This means the more money you make; the more your job is in danger.

Now there is some loyalty within corporations, but it is personal-based loyalty, not corporate. Usually, the person who hired you is loyal to you up to a point. But when your boss leaves the company or takes a new, non-linear position, your job is in immediate danger. Your new boss has no loyalty or vested interest in you.

The corporation wants you to believe they are indeed loyal to you because then you will be loyal to them, which is in their best interest. Remember, your parents wanted you to believe in Santa Claus, too. And it was a big, whopping lie.

Now I am not saying corporations should be loyal or even more loyal to their employees – they just aren’t. Again, it’s that profit thing. I won’t argue for the existence of corporate loyalty, just as I would not say that Santa should exist. It just doesn’t, and you are naïve if you think it does. And unlike Santa, there are costs to believing this myth. 

Then What Should I Do?

If there is no corporate loyalty, then make decisions based on what’s right for you, not good for them. Do not sacrifice your health for them. Do not sacrifice your marriage and family for them. Do not sacrifice your soul for them. You owe them your services exchanged for your salary. It is a standard business exchange, nothing more.

Be aware that you are fully responsible for managing your career. Your career path is in your hands. You alone are responsible for your success.

Therefore, always be planning your next step within the corporation or outside of it. Be developing all the skills you can because these skills are transferrable in ways you can’t even imagine. Acquire all the relevant education that is available to you. Focus it intently on where you want to go and what you want to do.

Always have a Plan B. A new boss, a buyout, a merger, an internal attack by a coworker, getting blamed for an error you did not make, and you are toast. But, but – But there is no loyalty --- none.

Continuously be planning your next move. Remember, the company is already playing the game. They are managing you. And they are trying to maximize your value, often at your expense. You better learn how to play this game, because they certainly are skilled at playing it. So, if you pretend the game doesn’t exist, then you literally get played. Like an experienced chess player, you need to be thinking several moves ahead.

Build a network of contacts before you need them. You’ve already heard that networking is important, but you’ve ignored it because it seems awkward, takes time, and is unnecessary to your current situation. However, it needs to be part of your Plan B. It is essential to meet and connect with as many people as possible to help you advance in the next step in your career plan. By networking, you are investing in yourself, just like education. If you wait until you need a network before building one, it costs you valuable time. It is challenging to drink from the well while you are drilling it.

Apology

I feel like the parent who has just destroyed the magic of Christmas for their child. Christmas wasn’t the same after you learned the truth, was it? But the deep, heavy reality is, corporate loyalty does not exist. It makes us feel good about our career choices. It provides joy when good things go our way at work. It provides us with the comfort of security, which reduces our anxiety. But it is a false security. The most dangerous lies are the ones that we most want to believe. And I am sorry to have to reveal the truth about this one.

 

 

You Have Fewer Friends Than You Think

Your circle of friends is much smaller than you think it is.

Yes, you have many people who associate with you. Maybe you have thousands of “friends” and contacts on social media. But in reality, cold reality, your real friends are few. You find out who is really on your team when you get knocked down. Some people will kick you; most will ignore you, but a select few will reach down and pull you up. Another acid test is when you ask for something that requires a time or money commitment. And sadly, that “onerous” money commitment can be as little as $10.

No, when you need or ask for help, the acquaintances and associates scatter like flies or go “radio silent”. It is indeed in times of struggle that you do find “who your true friends are”.                                                              

Loyal To A Fault

Loyalty is a concept not shared equally among persons. Very loyal people expect the same level of commitment from people they consider friends. Unfortunately, disloyal people are willing to discard friendships, even long-term friendships, as quickly as flicking away an irritating bug when the relationship is no longer convenient. Sometimes, you find out there had never really been a friendship at all, as soon as the relationship hit a stress point or you asked for some type of commitment.

This results in the loyal person wondering what they did wrong to cause the relationship to end. Followed up by the “what’s wrong with me?” question. The loyal person will impulsively try to restore what they thought was a good friendship. They will apologize. They will make excuses for the other person. They may even try to change their behavior to make it work. But this effort will fail, and then the loyal person will be deeply hurt and go through the blame game repeatedly, sometimes beating themselves up for years. But while you are doing that, the other person has forgotten all about you. They may have even forgotten your name.

What you must realize is that the friendship was always one-sided. There is nothing wrong with you, except you are too loyal. And as with everything in life, even though loyalty is a good trait, there is a price to pay for having too much. Just like being too good, too nice, too trusting, too patient ….

But the problem here is with the other person. There is something wrong with them, not you. There is nothing you could have done to save this relationship because there was never really a friendship. You were an acquaintance, to be discarded as soon as it was convenient. This person does not value you as a friend, however, you are giving value to someone who deserves no value. The person has no value – the person literally is “not worth it”. Yes, you made a poor value judgment, but now it is time for a reevaluation. Trying to hold onto something which isn’t there is like trying to hug the air. It is a futile effort.

It Still Hurts, Though

It’s always painful for the “loyalists” when a friendship evaporates. And sometimes people you liked and trusted suddenly become mean, conniving backstabbers.

At the company I worked at the longest, I thought I had made several strong friendships that would last a lifetime. However, none of these people return my messages. And these were my best work friends. I needed to get in touch with one of them this summer regarding a business issue with my book. He didn’t return my voice mails; he didn’t return my emails. Finally, I mailed a letter explaining what I needed. Crickets. This is hurtful, but I need to let this go, and stop hugging the air.

Most of the time we can’t put a value on our friendships. However, a few years ago, a person I thought was a friend sold me out for a mere $50. If a friendship is not worth $50 to you, you are not a friend; you are a mere acquaintance. The fact that I am writing about this one indicates that I am still hugging the air a bit.

It’s All About Value

We make so many value judgements that we don’t evaluate which ones are faulty. Once you spot the sell-outs, the hangers-on, the passive-aggressors, don’t try to salvage the relationships. Don’t invest anything more in them. Cut them loose.

What you must do is find the people in your inner circle. Identify those who are on your team. And then nurture, support, help, and invest in those people with everything you have. Because it is these people who will support and help you when you need it. Support me and I will support you. It is such a simple concept, and yet very few people get it. Determine who is worthy of your investment and then invest in them. If you are on my team, there are benefits to being on my team.

A Warning

Be aware. Everyone you think is a friend, is not really your friend. Most are acquaintances, and sadly, some are even your enemies, or at least they find some perverse pleasure when you fail. I wish it didn’t have to be that way, but it is one of many human frailties in this game of life.