Be Kind

Because someone, somewhere, needs to hear this …

I made a 2020 New Year’s resolution to be kind or be kinder.

Awww, Don, that is so great of you. You are such an awesome person. You want to be kind to people. You are so wonderful …

No, not so much. For me to have to make this resolution means I have not been kind to people recently. I have been mean, I have been inconsiderate, I have been a jerk. So much so, that I am aware I need to change my behavior.

Thus, the resolution.

My rude behavior became an issue at the start of 2018. That year began with a horrible case of influenza, followed closely with the death of my dog. Then there were a series of frustrating problems with the release of my second book. By March, I was totally fizzed off at the world. So much so that I aggressively unloaded on two people on the phone who had done nothing wrong (one was even work-related). My mood, and thus my behavior, didn’t improve much that year. And I continued to be extremely cranky in 2019, as I struggled with health issues for most of the year.

Now I’d like to think these are valid reasons for my bad behavior. But often my “reasons” are really just excuses. The types of excuses which give us reasons to “excuse” our bad behavior, but make us feel good. In reality, I have been irritated for two years and have responded by being irritating to other people.

Let’s think through this logic. I’m irritated, so I’m going to make other people irritated too. I’m angry, so I’m going to make other people angry too. I’m frustrated …… This is behavior more consistent with a third-grader, but we see it in others, and often display it ourselves.

So, I decided to make this resolution to be kind or kinder this year. I expected to have no problem keeping this resolution because I’m not really rude that often anyway, am I? Yes, it’s a resolution, but I got this! (Insert hysterical laughter here).

However, my work year hadn’t even begun when I got an email from a colleague totally ignoring the agreed to plan for dealing with the first task of the new year on Monday. I immediately started to construct a snarky email chiding them for not following my plan. Then, I remembered, Be Kind. I ignored their indiscretion and proceeded with things on Monday as planned, and guess what? Even though I wasn’t snarky, everything turned out great.

But this was going to be much more difficult than I thought, so I posted a small “Be Kind” sign on the wall above my desk to remind me of my resolution.  And I needed that help, because the following week a co-worker messaged me a stupid question, right in the middle of a hectic day. I had already given them the answer to this question just an hour before, and now I had to take time to answer it again. Once again, I began to type a cynical e-mail. But then I

remembered, this co-worker is dealing with a serious, life-threatening condition. They probably shouldn’t even be working. So, I simply answered their question again, with no disparaging comments.

Don, you are such an angel - being so nice and kind to that sick co-worker. I wish I were as wonderful as you.

And then it hit me – I had a realization …..

WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE?

Why should it matter at all if the co-worker has cancer or some other serious disease? Why should I only be kind to the sick and dying? Why wouldn’t I be just as kind to the healthy and living? It should not make any difference at all.

And just when I thought I was making excellent progress, disaster struck on February 10. Usually, you break your resolutions without much fanfare. Maybe you slip up a little here, a little there, until you just give up and gradually return to your old habits. In many cases, you even forget your resolution by the end of January.

But not this year, I didn’t just break my resolution. I pulverized it into little pieces that exploded all over me and anyone else in the area. This happened away from the house, out of sight from that sign on the wall, which had been so helpful. I was unkind, extremely unkind. It was classic third-grade brat behavior, done publicly in front of several people. If I were in third-grade, I would have been sent to “time out”. It’s one of those acts that are so bad that apologizing afterward really doesn’t help.

Typically, when you break a resolution, you say, “Oh well, at least I tried” and go on with life, even if it’s January 2nd. But maybe this kindness resolution requires more effort. Maybe it deserves a second chance. The author Henry James would agree. He said: "Three things in human life are important. The first is to be kind. The second is to be kind. And the third is to be kind."

And kind people are my favorite type of people. The best people I have ever known have been the most kind. They make you feel good, and those are the people you like to be around. When someone extends kindness to you, it makes you feel special. Want to be more popular? Be kind. Want people to treat you better? Be kind. Want to attract a lover? Don’t concentrate on being sexy. Be kind.

Showing kindness is too important to dismiss. Our society is becoming ruder and less kind every day. Our politicians and corporate gods are unkind. Our celebrities and tweeters are unkind. There is a kindness shortage. There is a kindness crisis. Therefore, kindness is a valuable commodity that we desperately need more of.

We can’t change the world tomorrow, but I assure you we can change our world tomorrow - just by being kind to everyone we encounter. Yes, that’s some deep, heavy stuff, right there.

The Book mentions kind or kindness over 80 times. It doesn’t command us to be kind as much as it reminds us of how good kindness is. It assumes we already know we should be kind, so it encourages us to do what we already know we should.

And I know I should be kinder, that I should extend kindness to others whether they deserve it or not. Whether they are sick or not. Whether they are weak or not. Even if I don’t like them, I need to be kind to them.

So, the resolution may have been broken, but the sign stays on the wall. And the journey continues ……

         

Are You Good Enough?

Because someone, somewhere, needs to hear this …

In the spring of 2018, Joe Burrows was told he would not be the starting quarterback for Ohio State the upcoming season.

The message was clear: “You’re not good enough”

But Burrows didn’t believe them. He transferred to LSU where he was good enough to lead his team to the 2020 National Championship. And, oh yes, in December 2019, the Heisman voters not only thought he was good enough, they deemed him the best.

Throughout our lives, we will hear the same message repeated:

“You’re Not Good Enough”

Oh, they won’t say it that bluntly. “Not good enough” is expressed in many different forms:

I don’t love you anymore

We’ve decided to go another direction

You’re going to assist Jim on this project

You didn’t get the job

Better luck next time

I want a divorce

Your contract has not been renewed

We’re breaking up

Your performance didn’t measure up

You’re cut

You have failed to meet expectations

We’re going to have to reject your ….

We have no interest in your …..

Don’t call us

You’re fired

We’ve eliminated your position

We’ve all heard these and failure is a part of life.  But …….

You don’t let other people decide if you are good enough

YOU DETERMINE IF YOU’RE GOOD ENOUGH  

It’s your decision. It is your responsibility. It is your determination.

IT IS YOUR’S - NOT “THEIRS”!

Many times, when you are told: “You are not good enough,” it’s not even true.

Why?

Because people can be:

-       Vindictive

-       Irrational

-       Stupid

-       Self-seeking

-       Biased

-       Ignorant

-       Mean

-       Just plain wrong

Remember, not everyone has your best interest at heart. Sometimes, not even your boss, your friends, your family … your spouse.

There is a fine line between self-doubt and self actualization. Don’t let the haters

shove you across it.

We allow people to stick that “not good enough” label on us like a piece of feces that we carry around with us for a long time. It can stay stuck on some people for their entire lives.

When we let it stick, it paralyzes us with self-doubt and a negative self- image. And once it’s on us, it can be hard to wash off. If the comments were made by your parents, lover or someone you highly respect, it might take counseling to wipe the stink off. If it is not as resilient, you still need the help of your friends to get clean. 

And that’s where the “Be There” of my last post becomes real and practical.

Over the last several months, I have long, difficult discussions with three friends who were devastated because they were told “you’re not good enough” by their bosses. They all needed affirmation that they were put in unfair situations at work, and basically set up for failure.

It’s difficult to overcome being told you're not good enough, but this is how it’s done:

In a 15-month span, in 2015-16, Raheem Mostert was cut by six NFL teams. In effect, he was told he was not good enough six times by six different coaches.

Heck, one of those teams was the Cleveland Browns, the worst team in the league. A team that only won one game that entire season. When a team that awful says you’re not good enough, you really have to think about quitting. But:

YOU DETERMINE IF YOU’RE GOOD ENOUGH  - Not anyone else.

Mostert didn’t quit. He thought he was good enough to play in the NFL. He didn’t listen to those other six teams. And he was right. As a San Francisco 49’er he became the first running back in history to run for at least 200 yards and four touchdowns in the 2020 NFC championship game.

And there are those instances where “You’re not good enough” really means – “You’re not good enough, yet.” Except the people giving you the news don’t include the “yet” part. Because they don’t want to help and encourage you. They simply want you to go away. So, sometimes hearing those words, but not believing them, creates an intense motivation to improve and succeed. Mostert kept the exact cut dates in an app on his phone as motivation and no doubt Burrow felt he had something to prove to himself and others also.

This is not to say you can do anything if you just try hard enough. This is not one of those rah-rah, “you have the potential to achieve anything” motivational speeches. This is just deep heavy stuff. Which means sometimes “they” are correct, you are truly “not good enough” for the task at hand.

Unless you are exceptional, you do have limits. But the only way to determine if you are truly exceptional is to challenge those limits. You’ve got to test the limits of your capabilities. Test, test often. Test every day. Which means pushing back, sometimes pushing back hard, when “they” tell you “you’re not good enough”.

Don’t let someone who cares nothing – NOTHING – about you, divert you from the path you have chosen. You are the captain of this ship – you steer it where you want it to go.  And you don’t stink. You just need all that crap that people have thrown at you washed off.

YOU DETERMINE IF YOU’RE GOOD ENOUGH – YOU, YOU ALONE

Be There

This isn’t going where you think it is …

Many years ago, I worked with Debra, a beautiful, vivacious blonde. She was smart, pleasant, funny, and men would describe her as “sexy”. We became good friends right after she was hired. Our friendship became stronger when she was promoted and I became her boss.

She shared everything with me, including the struggles of being a divorced mother raising her daughter on her own. There were frequent discussions in my office, some with the door closed, but visible to everyone through the glass wall.

And in the office, there were plenty of rumors about the nature of our relationship. One time when a co-worker inquired about our private discussions, Debra replied, “You have husbands and boyfriends to discuss

stuff with; I have Don Ake.”

However, there was never any illicit aspect in the relationship. Even with a strong emotional and physical attraction between us, there were walls. This was the best job Debra ever had, so she was not going to jeopardize it by banging her boss. And I was married, with two young daughters, and I was not going to endanger that, not even for a hot, sexy, blonde.

My relationship with Debra ended when I left the company. I had already turned in my notice when a co-worker couldn’t resist making one more inquiry, said partially in jest, about whether Debra and I were romantically involved. Debra responded by saying, “No, we’ve never done anything, but he’s not my boss anymore, is he?” I got the impression that she may not have been joking.

Even though she was a close friend, I was hesitant to stay in touch. Now that her “wall” was gone, I wasn’t sure I could resist the temptation if she wanted to be more than friends.

I didn’t contact her for over two years, and then only when I was unemployed wanted her help in my job search. And that’s when I learned Debra had committed suicide ten days earlier.

Debra’s life had totally fallen apart. Her ex-husband had finally succeeded in taking their daughter away from her. Debra had entered into a serious relationship with a guy who began physically abusing her. And the result of all these actions was that a beautiful, extraordinary woman was dead.

My sorrow was deep and excruciating. Then came the flood of guilt.  

If only I had called a couple of months ago, maybe I could have saved her.

I just missed … I just missed the funeral.

But who knows what would have happened if I would have called earlier? And maybe I was fortunate not to have seen the casket; it would have burned in my memory forever.  But yet, I am certain that if I hadn’t left the company, Debra would probably be alive today. I was her close friend. I would have known the anguish these horrible events had on her life. I would have defended her, supported her, I would have helped her. I would have been there.

And that’s when the guilt ended and the anger set in. Because even though I wasn’t there, somebody else needed to be. Debra needed someone, anyone, to be there, and no one was. No one. And because no one was there, there was a tragedy.

And please don’t send me emails telling me I shouldn’t feel guilty, because I no longer do. Due to the circumstances, this was not my responsibility, but someone needed to see the situation and act. And this message is not about me; it’s about us. It’s about you.

We have a responsibility to our friends. The Book asks the question, “Am I my brother’s keeper?” within the first few pages. It is not a rhetorical one. As we read through to the last page, we learn that the answer is “Yes, we are our brother’s keeper”, with guidance on how it should be done.

Because sometimes your friends don’t need “someone”, they need YOU. They need your wisdom, your guidance, your life experience, your compassion, your support, maybe just your presence. Sometimes all a person needs to know is that someone, anyone, freakin’ cares about them and what they are going through. Be that person. Be There.

And yes, this will often be inconvenient, time-consuming, uncomfortable and awkward. We will struggle with what to say, what to do, how to help, how to respond. You don’t have to have all the answers. But maybe you know people who can help. Woody Allen is quoted as saying, “eighty percent of success in life is just showing up. It is applicable here. Your presence is much more powerful than you think. No one should have to face their problem, their demons, alone. Show up – Be There.

I never want to cry beside a casket of a friend who needed my help, but never got it. We need to Be There. 

So be there. Please be there. When someone needs you to be there for them, be there. Just be there. Be There.