It had been such a pleasant lunch …
Several years ago, I was having lunch with my good friend
and coworker Marla. I had not talked with her much recently, and catching up on
various topics was enjoyable.
It had been such a pleasant lunch … until I asked this
question:
“How’s your project coming along?”
Now, this seemed like a harmless inquiry. Marla and I had worked
at the same company for a few years. She had been assigned a high-visibility,
important project at the company and I merely wanted to see how it was going.
One could argue that it would have been rude not to ask about it.
It had been such a pleasant lunch …. but the atmosphere
changed dramatically.
Marla quickly bowed her head, looking straight down at the
table. She mumbled about her struggles and said she wasn’t confident she could
get it done.
My natural reaction would have been to encourage her and
offer words of compassion to make her feel better at that moment. But that’s
not what popped out of my mouth.
Her physical posture had not changed, so I was talking to
the top of her head.
I said, “This type of project is much more difficult than
you ever thought it would be. You are now doubting your ability to finish the
job. You are questioning if the outcome will be any good and whether you will
get any recognition from management for your efforts. You are wondering if all
your effort is just a huge waste of time. You love your job, but you hate what
you are feeling right now.”
At this, her head snapped back up. She stares at me
incredulously with a couple of tears in her eyes and asks, almost demanding, in
an aggressive voice, “How do you know that?”
Now, inside I’m laughing hysterically because it sounds
like she thinks I’m some mystical mind reader, but Marla is extremely serious
at this point, so I can’t even break a smile and remain stoic.
I then explained that I had worked on two similar projects
earlier in my career. “We’ve walked that same road,” I said. “I’m just further
on the journey than you are.” She then was so relieved that her feelings were
not as strange, nor wrong, as she had imagined. I had validated and affirmed
her emotions.
She felt much better about her situation and looked for
even more positive vibes in the glow of this epiphany. “But it gets much better
as you get past this point? she asked. And then my expression turned somber.
“It doesn’t get any easier,” I cautioned. “But you, you will become tougher as
you move along.”
The Mistake We All Make
Marla had made the mistake of thinking her feelings were wrong,
weird, and unjustified, when actually, her feelings were quite common in her
situation. It is that sense of commonality that binds us together as humans.
How she felt was not strange, it was merely human. And when she realized that, it
became such a pleasant lunch once again. Everyone feels that way at some point
in their life we just don’t realize it.
Therefore, it is so important to be around people going
through the same issues and struggles as you, the definition of a support
group, and to be honest enough to share your feelings, struggles, and fears. Marla
felt comfortable enough to share her vulnerabilities with me. If she had lied
and said, “everything is fine,” she would not have realized that her struggle
was typical. She was not a failure, just a human being with natural fears and
emotions.
This is part of the mentoring process. A traveler who has
taken the journey explaining the way to someone still on the journey. Advising
them on roads to take and what roads to avoid and warning them about the
struggles they will face. I was able to help Marla because I’d been down that
road too. So, help your fellow journeymen along the way as much as possible.
Life Lesson: You are not as unique as you think
you are. And – People are very willing to help you if you are honest enough to
share your struggles.
