Please Read This – Thank You ….

My elderly mother lay in a hospital bed, soon after a near-fatal heart attack. We talked a bit when I first arrived, but she had grown weary, and now her eyes were closed as she struggled for every breath. I just sat in the silence, watching her breathe, wondering if one of those would be her last. Hoping she had not come to the end of the line.

Suddenly, the evening nurse burst through the door. There was a quick greeting, then the nurse checked my mother’s vitals and began the process of servicing the room. This woman was meticulous and dedicated to her job. There was no idle chit chat because she was working so diligently. I presumed that it had been a tough day for her since she looked somewhat downcast. Maybe she was behind on her rounds, and thus the rapid work pace. My mother had returned to her restive state soon after her vitals were complete.

As I sat there, I appreciated how hard this nurse was working to make sure my mother, and her room, were cared for. I felt the need to thank her for her effort, before she bolted out the door to her next room. I patiently waited as she completed her tasks and turned to go. The words “thank you” were right on my lips, when my mother opened her eyes and said “thank you” to the nurse. And when my mother said “thank you” to anyone, her tone and facial expression denoted a deep appreciation. It wasn’t lip service. It was more as if she had bestowed a blessing upon you. Yes, I did thank the nurse, but of course, my words paled in comparison to my mother’s response.

My mother was extremely polite, and of course, she raised me to be the same. However, even though people would say I am polite, I am not nearly as polite as my mother. And most of us would agree that we were also raised to be polite, but often we fail to be. So, we KNOW we should say “please and thank you” routinely, yet many of us DO NOT. It is the most glaring gap between head knowledge and actual behavior in our society. Unfortunately, as our

culture becomes more crass and demanding, it also becomes much less polite.

Therefore:

-         Even though your mother told you this

-         Even though you already know you should do this

-         Even though you already know how to do this

PLEASE SAY “PLEASE AND THANK YOU” at every appropriate opportunity.

Business Applications

One area where politeness has diminished is in the corporate world (I have a friend who does workshops on “Business Etiquette”, instructing people who already know how to act appropriately, to actually do it.) Companies are plagued with people demanding, insisting, and ordering their workers to perform.

So, a word to all supervisors, bosses, managers, and executives: These people are not your slaves; they are literally your co-workers in achieving your organization's success, and serving your customers and clients. Therefore, some respect please, exhibited by a “please” for every request, and a “thank you” when it is completed. This is simple. This is basic. And it will improve your ability to manage and the performance of your company.

And remember: How you treat your employees determines how your employees treat your customers.

Real Application

Lately, I have been trying to include “Please” in every email which requests something. It’s easy to omit this. Think otherwise?  Go back and look at the last five request emails you sent, and you will likely be disappointed. One of my email catchphrases is “Just let me know”. It should always be, “Please let me know”.

But Don, if nobody else is doing this, why should I?

Because, you can’t change the world, but you can change your world. By being less demanding and more polite, you can improve the mood and outlook of everyone you encounter. If it makes you feel good when someone is polite to you, then ……. As your mother once said, “This isn’t that difficult”.

And a side note to you young guys out there: Being polite makes you more attractive to women who have been raised to be polite, because they then value politeness in a possible suitor.  It can give you an advantage over guys who possess superior attributes or resources. And polite wives are easier to live with than demanding ones. (just sayin’)

Consider This A Friendly Reminder

Please try to say and write “Please and Thank You” more often this week and see how much better it feels and how it improves the way people respond to you. Your mother will be, or would have been, pleased by this. And she would also be happy with me for reminding you.

And, oh yes, I almost forgot …. Thank you for reading to the end!

I Do Appreciate You and I Hope You Appreciate This

“After Life”, an outstanding drama on Netflix chronicles the grieving process of Tony Johnson (played by Ricky Gervais), a middle-aged newspaper reporter who just lost his wife due to cancer.  In Episode 4 of Season 2, Tony’s grief again becomes overwhelming as he is caught in a downward spiral of self-pity, and excruciating mental anguish.

This is a critical point in the show because, under similar pressures in Season 1, Tony attempts suicide. But then the story takes an unexpected turn. Tony interviews a young woman addicted to plastic surgery. The woman panics when Tony helps her realize she has a mental illness. “You think I’m mental?” she exclaims. Tony affirms her by replying, “No more than the rest of us. As I say, we’re all screwed up, in one way or another. So, it makes it normal.”

Later, when he is experiencing his most intense agony, he begins to see the pain and struggles of all the people around him. He considers himself a “loser” because of his personal loss and his inability to overcome it, but then realizes that we are all losers. He later uses that term (in a non-derogatory way) to describe his co-workers to an associate. Once he is able to see the pain of others, his empathy causes him to take actions to help relieve the sufferings of the people around him.

The episode concludes with Tony receiving a message from his wife, through pre-recorded video, about how important it is to appreciate the people around us, no matter their faults and irritations. And, most importantly, to tell these people, they are appreciated and important to us. Tony then begins to see the value of the people in his world, even those who frustrate and irritate him, in his deep state of grief.   

Our World

All the time, maybe even every day, we encounter people in our lives who in some way, even small ways, help us along in our journey. And every one of them has faults, because they are human. Some of them are even irritating. We take these people for granted. We expect them to help us, assist us, serve us, listen to us, whatever. It just becomes routine. We don’t notice that they work hard, are struggling, and are dealing with personal issues (just like we are, right?). They just fade into the background of our lives, until we don’t notice them at all. Until they are gone, sometimes forever. And then we miss them and maybe only then realize how valuable they were too us.

So we need to tell everyone in our lives that we appreciate them when they do something that helps us out. This goes one step beyond an obligatory “thank you”. It sounds like this, “Thanks for doing this for me. I really appreciate your help. Or maybe, I really appreciate you.  One word we all need to say more is appreciate. Appreciate, appreciate, appreciate, appreciate. 

Because, people want to feel appreciated. Even more important, people need to be appreciated. So please tell them you appreciate them. And I’m not talking just about your close friends and main squeeze. No, you need to tell even the people you don’t particularly like, even those irritating people with faults, that you appreciate their effort and contributions, when appropriate.

Everyone needs to know they are significant. There are many people around me that I expect things from. I expect, I expect, I expect, I expect, and I get cranky when these expectations are not met. But I need to appreciate it more when these expectations are achieved, and especially when they are exceeded.

Recently, I said farewell to a friend who was moving far away. This person had done a tremendous job on an important project for me. And yes, I said thank you, but I failed to say how much I appreciated the effort. I did realize my omission later that evening and expressed my appreciation in an email. But those words needed to be said in person, yet somehow, they failed to leave my lips. I don’t say that word enough and have tried to be much more appreciative lately.

A few weeks ago, a high school friend died of cancer. I was touched by the comments my classmates posted on Facebook. Yes, everyone says good things about the recently departed, but these praises were plentiful, and more importantly, they were real. People, some who hadn’t seen the man in years, were appreciative of the life he had lived, the person that he was. I know the guy would have been totally astonished if he could have read all the tributes listed there (Who knows? Maybe he could).  Now my classmates didn’t have the opportunity to express their appreciation in person because few of them had any contact with him recently. So, I hope that the people in his world told him some of the same things posted on Facebook in person; that they appreciated him, the work that he did, and the life that he led.

Thus, the need, the decency, the urgency, to tell those in our world that we appreciate them. And so, I appreciate you, for reading, sharing, and commenting on my blog. If you are a friend or associate, I appreciate you.  And I would greatly appreciate it, if you heeded these words. Peace.

React or Respond? – There is a vast difference

Your boss, spouse, coworker, colleague, child, acquaintance, stranger, or sometimes even a friend, unleash a verbal tirade upon you unexpectedly. Or maybe, it’s just a casual statement that highly annoys you.

You feel (pick one, or many): angered, threatened, demeaned, disrespected, marginalized, insulted, offended, disgusted, fearful, irritated, or repulsed.

So, how do you react? Or -- how do you respond? 

Don, that question is redundant, isn’t it? React and respond are the same thing, right?

No, they are not. And understanding the difference can change your life.

Are you telling me that knowing the distinction between these two similar words is that important? How?

When you react to people, it is an emotional outburst most likely delivered with the same antagonism as the offending statement. You speak without thinking; the words fired out of your mouth like a sub-machine gun. They are angry, sarcastic, venomous, biting, cutting, and hurtful words.

Reactions can destroy relationships and reputations. Reactions can produce hurt feelings and pain that sometimes take years to heal. Reactions cost people their marriages, jobs, friends and sometimes even their lives.

Reactions almost always lead to arguments, rather than discussions. Unfortunately, the arguments lead to even more reactions, with both parties’ sub-machine guns blasting away. If you need examples, just look at the politicians, twitter wars, or the flaming fights on Facebook.

Well yes, reactions are bad, but why are responses any different?

A response is a rational, calmer action designed to diffuse the situation and start a discussion, instead of a heated argument. An important aspect of a response is to gain insight into why the person has just unloaded upon you. Therefore, one of the best responses starts with you asking a question. If you can’t think of a question related to the subject, a good option is: Why are you so upset?

This allows you to gain a better understanding of the situation, enables the other person to continue to vent, and gives you time to formulate a second, more relevant question. Sometimes, the “why are you angry?” question will totally change the tenor of the discussion, as the person realizes they have spoken too forcibly. Often, they will apologize, and then a purposeful conversation can begin.

But Don, how does letting the other person keep ranting and raving help things?

Because it puts you in control of the situation. While the other person is out of control, you can be formulating your response. You may choose to disagree, but it is possible to do so in a calm, mature manner. You may even decide to be charming in your reply. But the goal is to defuse the situation, not escalate it. Unfortunately, sometimes your calm response will enrage the person even more because they are looking for a fight, and they will start spouting off again. But then, still, you can remain in control of the situation and respond accordingly. Just because they want a fight, doesn’t mean you must participate.

There are situations in which you will have time before you choose to respond or react. For example, when you get upset by an email, post, or tweet. How many times have we reacted to that situation with a nasty missive back, fueled with emotion? How did that work out for you? It made you feel good in the moment – caused you regrets for a much longer time. When you have time to formulate a response, the critical question is: What do I want to happen next?

Once you know what a desirable outcome of the situation is, craft a careful, strategic response that supports your intent. Resist the temptation to say to yourself: “I’m going to give him a piece of my mind!” “I’m going to show her just how stupid she is.” “I’m going to show them who’s boss,” etc. etc. etc.

These reactions make us feel good in the moment, but, if after the smoke clears, the situation hasn’t changed, or maybe now it is worse, what have you gained. You still wake up tomorrow with an ongoing conflict or problem.

Look! There’s a raging conflict burning out of control. Is it better to pour gasoline on it – a reaction? Or is it better to pour water on it – a response? You very rarely have to apologize for a response, but you often have to apologize for a reaction. 

Okay, Don, reactions are harmful. But they are just natural tendencies. It’s what I do in that situation. It’s what I’ve always done. How do I change that?

And now we come to the difficult part of this post. Easy to say, hard to do. This is a learned behavior, but the sooner you understand and can implement this change, the better your life will be. Again, it can improve your marriage, your relationships, your career, etc. It is one of the most valuable life skills to acquire and practice.

So, the next time you are faced with a conflict situation: Will you react, or will you respond?

Should Every Statue Fall?

This ain’t a sermon – so hang with me to the end, please. And I’m going to raise some complicated questions that I don’t have answers to.  Just some deep, heavy, stuff …

We are in the midst of a contentious debate about statues. Angry mobs are tearing down statues, upsetting people who revere these figures. People are making value judgments of the people represented by these monuments, based on current cultural standards and not the times when these individuals lived. To the mob, if the person was guilty of one unforgivable sin or discretion, then the statue must be destroyed, no matter how many good deeds the person did. There is a whole lot of judging going on. In a quest to unite us, it is dividing us.

It has sparked discussions about history, causing us to each personally classify some statues as worthy of remaining and others ones as disposable. But for a moment, let’s put all the inflamed emotions and rhetoric aside. Let’s remove all the politics, and consider this peculiar question: Should all the statues come down? Is there none worthy of remaining?

I know – a weird question. 

Way, way, back in time, in the second tome of The BOOK, The CREATOR warns us not to make gods to ourselves of silver and gold.[i] These are considered idols, and idolatry is forbidden by the first big commandment[ii], which I would think is first for a reason. Soon after that, the “golden calf” incident occurs, displaying the natural desire in us to create such idols.

And this desire is universal since statues were created in ancient Egypt, ancient India, ancient Greece, and ancient Rome. The most common ones being of kings. The practice of constructing statues is also enduring, and I would assume that every country in the world contains at least one.  The BOOK several times refers to idols as “detestable”[iii]. Therefore, a substantial, eternal conflict exists. The CREATOR wants no idols, and mankind continues to build them in large numbers. 

This is a deep, heavy issue if these statues are truly idols, so let’s discuss …

But these aren’t really idols, are they? They are just monuments to historical figures.

The BOOK defines an idol as an image or shape formed like a man or woman.[iv]

But these statues are not made of gold or silver. An idol needs to be formed from this, correct?

The BOOK describes idols made of wood, stone, silver, and gold.[v] And there is another reference to “metal gods”.[vi]

But idol worship was just in ancient, olden days. It’s silly to think we still worship idols today.

Every culture worships its own idols. It is so ingrained and prevalent that you don’t realize it is happening every day. Our athletes and entertainers are the idols of our age. We show our adoration by paying tributes of vast amounts of gold and silver, wearing their jerseys and fashion, and cheering them on in large gatherings. There is even a popular television show dedicated to producing future American idols. We not only worship idols, we do it in excess.

Our more recent statues are not of generals, presidents, explorers, or politicians; these were the gods of our fathers. No, our modern structures are of sports icons and entertainers.

As previously mentioned, idol worship appears early in The BOOK and is a running theme throughout. The CREATOR repeatedly warns people not to worship idols, the people keep worshiping them, and The CREATOR keeps tearing them down. In the very last chapter of The BOOK, which has to do with the future, there is one last warning against the “idolaters”.[vii]

But these statues were not intended to be worshipped. They weren’t made by individuals; they were commissioned works that were produced in facilities. They have historical significance; they exist to teach us history.

Every one of these statues were made to honor someone for something they did. It’s a fine line between honor and worship. Most of these statues were paid for by collective (often public funds) and placed in very public areas. The casting process, while improved by technology, is similar to eons ago. The statues do have historical significance, but that value pales when compared to the “detestable” standard. Maybe, history is best gleaned from the Internet, with photos to show us what the people looked like.

It would appear that instead of fleeing idolatry, our culture has run passionately into idolatry and is now paying the price. Who realized there were that many statues around until the enraged mobs started tearing them down? What is the punishment for worshiping idols? The BOOK says the carved images will be destroyed. The cast idols will be burned in the fire.[viii] And dead bodies will be piled on the lifeless forms of your idols.[ix]

But where are the piles of dead bodies?

The U.S deaths from the coronavirus now total 127,000. If these were heaped together, it would make a grotesque, yet striking impression.

But the pandemic and the riots aren’t connected in any way. It’s just a coincidence they are happening at the same time.

These two catastrophes are very much related. The riots were the ultimate result of someone trying to pass a counterfeit $20 bill. Perhaps if the economy weren’t in a deep recession due to the virus, the man would have been able to work and pay for his purchase with legal currency. Also, people were nervous, angry, distressed, etc. over the pandemic and the economic downturn. The police brutality pushed them over the edge. And then, with the unemployment rate so high, people had much more time and energy to riot, burn, and topple statues. 

And then there is the chilling passage near the end of The BOOK, which says the people not killed by the plague continued to worship the idols.[x] Maybe it is true: There is no such thing as coincidence.

Many Questions – Few Answers

I don’t have the answers, just some questions. The purpose here is to think about our predicament in different ways. There is a lot of gray area here. You might argue it is all gray area, and I won’t challenge you. But why is there this strong emotional (or is it spiritual) feeling (either positive or negative depending on your perspective) when one of these statues is pulled to the ground? The BOOK says that those who speak up in defense of idols are blind and ignorant.[xi] We at least need to look at this situation with our eyes wide open.

We are now critically judging every man who ever lived in the quest to find the perfect human. To find someone who is deemed pure in thought and deed. And many good and noble men are falling short of this standard. This process has us searching for someone who was sinless, by both the morality of his day and the morality of today. Which leads us back, to maybe just one, who is worthy to be worshipped ….. Ah, so perhaps there is a purpose to all the chaos after all.

---

[i] Exo. 20:23

[ii] Exo. 20:4-5

[iii] Deu. 32:16

[iv] Deu. 4:16

[v] Deu 29:17

[vi] Lev. 19:4

[vii] Rev. 22:15

[viii] Deu. 7:5

[ix] Lev. 26:30

[x] Rev. 9:20

[xi] Isa. 44:9

You Have No Idea – What these parents face

In my previous post, we looked at parenting and how difficult that task is with all the variables, tough choices, etc. But now let’s raise the bar … turn it up a notch. While we’re at it, let’s just turn the dial all the way to the right.

Parenting healthy kids is challenging, but what about parenting children with irregular-needs? (I’m not using the term “special needs” because I want this to include any and every type of ongoing physical, mental, and personality disorder—all of them.  Throw in alcohol, drug, and whatever addictions, too.

How difficult is it to parent a child with irregular-needs?

You have no idea. Trust me. You have no idea. I only have some idea, because my daughter’s cerebral palsy is considered comparatively mild. Of course, people whose children are only moderated impacted tend to minimize their situation when talking about it. Like my friend Marc, who was quick to point out his autistic son is “higher functioning” when we messaged back and forth during the Allison Chronicles series. But if your kid has any abnormality, any issue, any challenge, or any special need. Your task as a parent becomes exponentially more difficult.

Take those problematic parental decisions, for example. When dealing with an irregular-needs child, sometimes you are facing ten possible outcomes, instead of just two, and nine of those outcomes may be bad. Often, you must make these critical decisions with little information or even inaccurate information.  And then those bad decisions (again, not necessarily poor decisions, just choices that lead to adverse outcomes, often beyond your control) cause you to have to make even more decisions. Then there are choices so complicated, the best you can do is just guess. 

When things go wrong, which sometimes is a daily occurrence, you blame yourself, and you and your spouse must deal with the bad consequences. You second guess yourself. You second guess your spouse. You third guess yourself. Some days you guess yourself to an exponential power and conclude you are an idiot and a sad excuse for a parent.  

This second-guessing and repeated setbacks, which are inevitable, put incredible stress on relationships. My friend Marc states, “Nobody can imagine the strain on a marriage during these incredibly difficult times”. Many marriages do not survive the pressure of raising an irregular-needs child. In most of these cases, the husband bails due to the overwhelming stress. Even though I do not condone this action, neither can I judge any man who does this. At times, the enormous amount of stress is crushing.

Besides the typical responsibilities, parents of irregular-needs kids play many roles. You must be a doctor, a therapist, a psychologist, a psychiatrist, and a priest, all at the same time. It requires superhuman knowledge, superhuman strength, superhuman patience, and superhuman compassion. Parents of irregular-needs children are as close to a real superhero as you are ever going to get.

For example, I have a friend who adopted a baby who has cerebral palsy. Only, she didn’t know the girl’s condition at the adoption. They hid it from her. They basically stuck her with this child. I would have been extremely bitter and tried to get out of the deal. My friend’s reaction? She has made it her life’s mission to raise this kid in an exemplary manner. She has poured her life into that girl. That’s superhuman love. Another friend is raising three autistic sons. That’s right – after having two sons with autism, he had another boy who has the same condition. And now he has a great family, which he loves tremendously.  His wife runs a support group for parents of irregular-needs kids. That’s superhuman strength and more.

And these parents are everywhere. Over the past year, I have been able to share my daughter’s condition with more people, and have discovered several of my friends and associates are captaining the same boat. I have learned about the children of my good friend Dave, my long-time friend Mike, my accountant Tim, the man mentioned in the previous paragraph, and the daughter of a coworker. Yes, irregular-needs children are much more common than you realize, and I’m sure you have a friend or family member in that position.   

Having an irregular-needs child impacts every family decision you make. I was downsized from my job just after my daughter’s seventh birthday. I didn’t care that I lost that job. I didn’t care about the impact to my career. I wasn’t much concerned about not having money to pay the everyday bills. But what mattered most is that I had lost my medical insurance, which had put the welfare of my daughter at risk. I went to an important job interview in a minus 20-degree wind-chill, with a fever of over 102 degrees to get the job that would restore that insurance. You just do whatever it takes – repeatedly.

Oh, and those decisions. My wife and I decided to send my daughter away to college in Indiana. I knew there were risks involved, but I thought it  would help my daughter’s social development. Leaving the campus after dropping her off was one of the most gut-wrenching days of my entire life.

It was the correct decision, but it was almost the worst decision I have ever made. There was an incident, a dangerous incident that nearly cost my daughter her life. Of course, I wasn’t there to witness it, but it was all right there in the extensive police report. And then I had to make another decision about whether to drive to Indiana and pull her out of school. I decided to let her stay; again, the correct choice. However, if she would have died there, I would never have recovered from it. Yeah, that’s what it’s like. A bunch of difficult choices in a game you might, if lucky, be able to play well, but you can never win.

But you can’t see the stress on these parents from the outside looking in. You might think, “Becky’s daughter has Down syndrome, but she handles it so well.” The quote (I can’t find the source) applicable here is: “Just because I carry it all so well, doesn’t mean it’s not heavy.”

It’s heavy. It’s massive. It’s burdensome. And it’s persistent. You have no idea. That person you know with the irregular-needs child - please cut them some slack. Show them some compassion. Tell them they are appreciated. Because you have no idea what your friend or coworker has had to deal with parenting their irregular-needs child that morning, nor the perilous situation they know is waiting for them at home that evening. You have no idea …. 

If a person is parenting a special needs child, then they have special needs themselves. Please extend grace accordingly.

Were You Really A Bad Parent?

I hear this all the time …

“Don, I was a bad parent because I made so many mistakes.”

Well, you are a better parent than you think.

The fact that you still fret over this and are concerned about your children, no matter their age, means you cared about your kids then, and you still care about them now.

That alone makes you a good parent.

But what about those bad decisions?

Well, in most situations in life, we accept the fact that we will make mistakes – that we are not perfect. However, we expect to be perfect parents - to be flawless in our choices. To have the superhuman power to know and control the outcome of every decision we make. Buy you are not a perfect person -  so stop believing you should be a perfect parent. You aren’t – no one is.

But you are a better parent than you think. You have made many more good decisions than bad ones regarding your children. The problem is that we remember all the bad choices we make because of the consequences they created. And we never expected, nor wanted, those harmful, hurtful, outcomes. We don’t remember the right choices we made for our kids because they produced the good outcomes we were hoping for. Those excellent decisions tend to get erased from memory, but they greatly benefited our children.

Some of those bad decisions you made weren’t even poor decisions. They were right decisions that resulted in adverse outcomes. You make the best decisions you can at the time with the best information you have. You are not all-knowing. You are not perfect. But if you make the choices you think will benefit your kid, you are a good parent.

Of course, there are those tough decisions you make where there is no good alternative – the lesser of two evils. Again, you tend to remember the bad outcome, which is almost assured in this situation, but you forget that you made what you considered the best choice available.

If you care about your children, if you love your children enough to try to make the best decisions for them, then you are a good parent. You are not going to make all the right choices. You are not and were not going to be the perfect parent.

Therefore: STOP SECOND GUESSING EVERY CHOICE YOU MADE AS A PARENT! IF YOU DID THE BEST YOU COULD UNDER THE CIRCUMSTANCES, YOU WERE A GOOD PARENT.

And it’s harmful to beat yourself up over decisions made in the past on things you cannot change. It’s much better to focus your attention on the choices you are making now, which impact things you can change.

Even If Your Decisions Were Good …

“But Don, my children didn’t turn out as planned.”

Well, of course not. Because they seldom do. Although some do miss the mark more than others.

But this is not your fault. 

Parenting is one of the toughest challenges there is because the outcome is so highly uncertain. Parenting is even more complicated than those mathematical equations it takes geniuses months to solve.

The parenting calculation takes at least eighteen years to finish and the equation frequently changes over time. Just about the time you master how to parent a preteen – boom! You must parent a teenager, and your math problem just turned from algebra to calculus.

But you can’t really “solve” this problem, can you? You can put all the right numbers in, do all the right things, and still not get the desired result.

Because your job is not to assure your child’s success in life, it is to prepare your child to have the opportunity for success in life. Because at some point, your children make their own decisions, which are typically different than yours. And they must live with the outcomes.

The choices your children make do not reflect poorly on you, especially if they contradict everything you tried to teach them. If things in your adult children’s life take a terrible turn, you have not failed as a parent; many times, your children just make poor decisions. And again, sometimes they were the right decisions but with a bad outcome.

I have several friends who are great people and were great parents. However, they had children who made extremely poor choices after they became adults. These children even became estranged from these excellent parents for a period, for no logical reason at all. I have other friends whose daughter died of an opioid overdose in her 20’s. Another couple’s son committed suicide. Were they bad parents? No, these are good people, and they were all excellent parents, and none of these outcomes are in any way their fault.

You can do everything - well, almost everything, right - and still not have things turn out well. You can provide as much training as possible for your children to make good choices, but you can’t make those choices for them. Your adult child’s success, or lack of it, is not a reflection of you. 

And good parents will want to continue to parent their adult children because, of course, they are good parents and care about the welfare of their kids no matter their age. But you must resist this temptation. We must at some point, stop parenting and just start advising them. Because it is their choice where to work, where to live, how to raise their kids, etc. Their decisions, not yours. (mothers-in-law – I’m talking to you)

So: STOP BLAMING YOURSELF FOR THE CHOICES YOUR ADULT CHILDREN MAKE! IT IS THEIR CHOICES, NOT YOURS. SO, STOP IT! STOP IT NOW!

You are a better parent than you think. And if you cared about your children and tried to provide for and train them as best you could, you were/are a good parent.

The Epilogue – The Allison Chronicles – Part 6

After her surgery, Allison returned to the ICU and stayed there for two more weeks to recover. But she was now closer to the door, closer to coming home.

During this time, we had a meeting with the neurologist to review her condition. The doctor knew it was going to be a trying meeting for all of us, so he decided to give us the good news up front.

"We think she can see!" he says with enthusiasm.   

"What?" I blurt out.

This was my typical reaction since day one of this ordeal. Someone unexpectedly gives me horrible news that I can’t believe. In this case, the doctor thought I was doubting him.

"No, we think she can see. The nurses say her eyes are following their movements," he explained.

He then whips out her brain scan and proceeds to point out all the problems. I glance down at the image, but then raise my eyes and study his expressions. I may not be able to read a brain scan, but I can read the face of someone who must deliver horrible news to a young couple about their infant daughter.

It was all bad news. The brain damage was extensive. I learned more about the functions of the human brain that day than I ever wanted to. The vision success was the only good news, and the doctor was truly surprised by that because of the damage to Allison's optic nerve.

We brought Allison home a couple of days before Thanksgiving. It was the best Thanksgiving ever because there was so much to be thankful for.

And so, the task of raising Allison Ake began. However, if you remember, there was a promise made the day after she was born, when I was driving that strenuous half-mile to the children’s hospital to see her:

"God, if you let her live, I promise I will raise her the best that I can."

I reiterate: You should never make conditional promises to God. You should never bargain with God. Never. Period.

However, if you find yourself in a dire situation and out of desperation you spontaneously make a conditional promise to God, and if by some bizarre, even miraculous means, God fulfills his part on your bargain, then you had better keep your promise. Period.

So, I began to fulfill my part of the bargain. The doctors had us focus on Allison's mental development, probably because they believed her physical capabilities were limited. They instructed us to read to her regularly, even though she could not comprehend yet. So, I would place her near me and read my newspaper or magazine out loud to her. One time my wife yelled at me when I was reading aloud an article that had some adult content.

But then another chapter in this incredible story started to unfold. Allison began to progress much better than the doctors had told us to expect.  Allison was developing mentally at what seemed like a normal pace, and while there were physical issues, she exhibited decent mobility.  

I questioned her primary care physician about this.  He explained that when a child suffers brain damage at birth, sometimes their body is able to rewire itself and assign some functions to healthy brain cells, cells that typically would not be used for anything. The result is that although Allison has severe brain damage, as the neurologist had shown us, she has only moderate cerebral palsy. 

Raising a child with special needs is challenging. There were numerous operations (including three additional brain surgeries), physical therapy, leg braces, etc. There have been so many important decisions along the way and often these were made with limited information. And sometimes you choose wrong.

My mission was to raise her as well as I could. Allison didn't realize how much she was loved or why she was loved, but she surely knew she was loved. And I poured so much of myself into her. The result of that effort is that when my co-workers would meet my young daughter, they wouldn't say, "She's a lot like you," they would say, "She’s your clone.” However, having someone copy all your bad traits is a humbling experience.  One time when she was seven years old, we were discussing something at dinner. I commented to my wife that Allison thinks she knows everything, which resulted in the following exchange:

Allison: “Father, did you just say that I think I know everything?"

Me: “Yes, I did.” (I said sheepishly, thinking I had hurt her feelings)

Allison: “Well, I don’t think that I know everything”. I do know everything!”

I won’t go into much of her adult life in order to respect her privacy. She graduated in four years from a private college with a 3.0 GPA, while not being able to see or read that well due to an inadequate eyeglass prescription that has since been corrected. She ran track as best as she could in high school and runs, yes runs, in 5-K races today. That is difficult to do under normal conditions.  I can’t imagine how that feels with a disability.

Allison has a good job and drives to work. She is a voracious reader, (probably due to being read to so much as a baby). She reads about 60 books a year; her best year she read around 100. We’ve never tested her I.Q. but she is a very intelligent woman.

Raising Allison Ake has been by far the most difficult, challenging job I have had in my life. Being the father of a daughter who at birth was too stubborn to die when she was supposed to, is difficult enough. Throw in the special needs, high intelligence, and some emotional issues and it is frequently mentally exhausting. But raising Allison Ake also has been the most rewarding job I have ever had.

I have pushed Allison hard her entire life, part of the promise to raise her the best that I can. While the doctors had set her expectations low, I have set the expectations high. Sometimes I have pushed her too hard, just as my mother pushed me. And our relationship has suffered as a result.

But life is a trade off. You can’t have it all. And in this case, I will willingly sacrifice that relationship to ensure the advancement of my daughter. That’s the job I pleaded for. That’s the job I have done. Sure, I have made mistakes, but I have no regrets about how I did it.

With Allison, I have had to learn to appreciate what she can do and not agonize over what she can’t. With her, the glass is forever half-full, and my life is richer because of it.

There are still some obstacles for her to overcome. But she is making progress at her pace, not the world’s. This concludes the Allison Chronicles, but her story continues ….