React or Respond? – There is a vast difference

Your boss, spouse, coworker, colleague, child, acquaintance, stranger, or sometimes even a friend, unleash a verbal tirade upon you unexpectedly. Or maybe, it’s just a casual statement that highly annoys you.

You feel (pick one, or many): angered, threatened, demeaned, disrespected, marginalized, insulted, offended, disgusted, fearful, irritated, or repulsed.

So, how do you react? Or -- how do you respond? 

Don, that question is redundant, isn’t it? React and respond are the same thing, right?

No, they are not. And understanding the difference can change your life.

Are you telling me that knowing the distinction between these two similar words is that important? How?

When you react to people, it is an emotional outburst most likely delivered with the same antagonism as the offending statement. You speak without thinking; the words fired out of your mouth like a sub-machine gun. They are angry, sarcastic, venomous, biting, cutting, and hurtful words.

Reactions can destroy relationships and reputations. Reactions can produce hurt feelings and pain that sometimes take years to heal. Reactions cost people their marriages, jobs, friends and sometimes even their lives.

Reactions almost always lead to arguments, rather than discussions. Unfortunately, the arguments lead to even more reactions, with both parties’ sub-machine guns blasting away. If you need examples, just look at the politicians, twitter wars, or the flaming fights on Facebook.

Well yes, reactions are bad, but why are responses any different?

A response is a rational, calmer action designed to diffuse the situation and start a discussion, instead of a heated argument. An important aspect of a response is to gain insight into why the person has just unloaded upon you. Therefore, one of the best responses starts with you asking a question. If you can’t think of a question related to the subject, a good option is: Why are you so upset?

This allows you to gain a better understanding of the situation, enables the other person to continue to vent, and gives you time to formulate a second, more relevant question. Sometimes, the “why are you angry?” question will totally change the tenor of the discussion, as the person realizes they have spoken too forcibly. Often, they will apologize, and then a purposeful conversation can begin.

But Don, how does letting the other person keep ranting and raving help things?

Because it puts you in control of the situation. While the other person is out of control, you can be formulating your response. You may choose to disagree, but it is possible to do so in a calm, mature manner. You may even decide to be charming in your reply. But the goal is to defuse the situation, not escalate it. Unfortunately, sometimes your calm response will enrage the person even more because they are looking for a fight, and they will start spouting off again. But then, still, you can remain in control of the situation and respond accordingly. Just because they want a fight, doesn’t mean you must participate.

There are situations in which you will have time before you choose to respond or react. For example, when you get upset by an email, post, or tweet. How many times have we reacted to that situation with a nasty missive back, fueled with emotion? How did that work out for you? It made you feel good in the moment – caused you regrets for a much longer time. When you have time to formulate a response, the critical question is: What do I want to happen next?

Once you know what a desirable outcome of the situation is, craft a careful, strategic response that supports your intent. Resist the temptation to say to yourself: “I’m going to give him a piece of my mind!” “I’m going to show her just how stupid she is.” “I’m going to show them who’s boss,” etc. etc. etc.

These reactions make us feel good in the moment, but, if after the smoke clears, the situation hasn’t changed, or maybe now it is worse, what have you gained. You still wake up tomorrow with an ongoing conflict or problem.

Look! There’s a raging conflict burning out of control. Is it better to pour gasoline on it – a reaction? Or is it better to pour water on it – a response? You very rarely have to apologize for a response, but you often have to apologize for a reaction. 

Okay, Don, reactions are harmful. But they are just natural tendencies. It’s what I do in that situation. It’s what I’ve always done. How do I change that?

And now we come to the difficult part of this post. Easy to say, hard to do. This is a learned behavior, but the sooner you understand and can implement this change, the better your life will be. Again, it can improve your marriage, your relationships, your career, etc. It is one of the most valuable life skills to acquire and practice.

So, the next time you are faced with a conflict situation: Will you react, or will you respond?