Her Hourglass Ran Out Of Sand

(You may question my revealing private correspondence in this post. You will understand why, when you get to the end)

About eight weeks ago, my good friend Darla (a pseudonym) messaged me with the distressing news that she had been diagnosed with liver cancer. We had seen each other for the first time since the pandemic at my book signing event a few weeks previously.

We had made plans to have breakfast sometime, and now she wanted to schedule it. A few years ago, I had helped her regain her confidence and self-esteem after a brutal divorce. Now she needed my support to help her in this trial. 

At breakfast, I had expected a somber discussion, but Darla was just as cheery as ever, with a dazzling smile and delightful laugh. She said the prognosis was good, and she would be fine after a few weeks of chemo. They were running more tests, but she was convinced she was not in danger.

I wasn’t so sure. There were some serious things I wanted to discuss with Darla, but I didn’t because her mood was so positive, and I didn’t want to raise any doubts into a pleasant conversation.

A couple of weeks later, Darla messaged me that the test results showed she had stage 4 breast cancer that had spread to her liver. However, she remained positive, saying it was treatable with only a few additional weeks of chemo needed.

To me, this sounded worse, much worse. As a good friend, this meant we had to discuss some deep, heavy stuff. The doctors are responsible for your physical condition. Your friends can help you with your psychological condition. But a real friend will also be concerned about your spiritual condition. So, I messaged her and asked her where she was spiritually and about her relationship with THE CREATOR.

She replied that she was fine, but then went on, in 334 words, to describe her degree of religiosity. It included her belief in a mixture of Catholicism, tribal customs, and personal philosophies. She had created her own standard, which she was confident she was meeting.  

I was still skeptical. If she had told me she was just fine, then this conversation would have ended there. But she had typed 334 words to convince me, and maybe herself, she was prepared for the end. She had told me she was fine physically when clearly, she was not. Now she had told me she was also fine spiritually.

It would not have been easy to discuss all the aspects of her discourse.   That may have been the purpose, to make me go away. But I still wasn’t sure. So, I gave her three questions to ask herself and then answer, emphasizing that she wasn’t to answer back to me. Because she doesn’t answer to me.

The questions:

1. When is the last time you attended mass/church?

2. If you did attend mass/church now, how would it make you feel?

3. Why do you think you would feel this way?

I prefer not telling people how to think or what to believe. However, I want people to consider the alternatives, expand their possibilities, and think through their choices in different ways.

Of course, this dialogue would take a little time. But Darla was sure she had more time, so I thought I had enough time to help her walk herself through the process.

I realize that many people reading this will disagree with my approach, finding it way too subtle. However, many people reading this will say it is way too forward, believing I should have said nothing more at all.

Whenever you do something that people on both sides of an issue disagree with, either:

1.    You did the right thing.

or

2.    You are an idiot.

In this case, I’m not sure about #1 – but I hope it’s not #2. And you can comment about this all you want, but I don’t care – I really don’t care. Because I don’t answer to you.

If Darla followed my instructions, she would need to consider the answers to these questions herself, and I would not be involved further unless she wanted my help. But she insisted on giving me an answer to question #1, saying she had been in church a year ago for her mother’s funeral.

Of course, this was answering the question about being in a church, which was not the question's intent.  She also asked about my motivation for this discussion, trying to deflect the issue back to it being my problem.

I restated the three questions, modifying question #1, to exclude weddings and funerals. She again answered back to me, not herself, saying she didn’t know the answer to question #1, which in her mind meant she didn’t have to deal with questions #2 and #3.

I encouraged her one more time to complete the exercise, expecting there would be more discussion of the issue at some point. I did not hear back from Darla for ten days. I hoped I hadn’t upset her, but I was expecting an update on her treatments. So, I sent this message late Saturday morning:

How are you doing/feeling?

That evening I had a wonderful time at a party with relatives and friends on vacation in the mountains of Pennsylvania. It was fun and relaxing, and one of the best aspects is there was no cellular service. Meaning I could enjoy the entire evening without distractions, and most importantly, there would be no heart-wrenching news.

Late that night, I returned to my Wi-Fi-connected residence. I noticed that Darla had not responded to my message. But her photos were all over my Facebook feed, with touching tributes from her daughter and friends.  The sand in her hourglass had run out quickly – much more rapidly than she ever expected. And just as with my friend Graham, Darla is gone – and she left this place far too soon.

And this news made me physically ill, gasping for air as all the negative emotions balled into one flaming meteor rapidly bouncing throughout my brain. I tried to process the previous five weeks in five minutes. I was angry for a moment at THE CREATOR for not giving me more time to reach her. But the reality is, if more time would have worked, then more time would have been granted.

And I can still hear her laugh …. that delightful laugh …

I never imagined that I would be sharing those three questions publicly. Initially, it was close personal communication only intended between Darla and me. However, if you need to ask these questions to yourself, please do. But if you believe you have lots of time ……

 

 

 

 

Don’t Let The Haters Prevail

Can we assume for this dive into deep, heavy, stuff that love is the most potent force in our world? And if this is true, then hate must be the second most powerful force. Hate could even be equal to love in power, but it can’t be greater, or we still wouldn’t be here.

If love is good and hate is evil, we live in the continuing struggle between good and evil, which has existed since the beginning of time. This is true no matter your spiritual or non-spiritual beliefs.  A society, culture, country, whatever, provides the best environment when the amount of love is greater than the amount of hate, or when evil is held to a minimum.  And the greater the love and the lesser the evil, the better it is for all people. If this sounds much too obvious and basically fundamental, consider what is happening in our present culture.

There are people promoting hate all around us. Step one, is to divide us into groups by skin color, social class, political party, religion, masking, vaccines, or whatever they can. Step two, is to try to get us to hate the people in the other groups. By doing this, they are able to gain power over us and exploit people for their own benefit. They essentially gain power and influence by promoting more hate.

Now at this point, you may be thinking: That’s right! That’s what those  people – the people in the other groups that are not ours -  are doing. Except that “those people” are reading this also and thinking the same thing about you.

It is so easy to get pushed into your “identity” group when people hurl hateful statements and accusations your way. However, once you identify with a group, it is natural to begin hating people that you perceive hate you. And that’s how the hate multiplies, and that’s how the hatemongers seize power over you. And as the amount of hate surges in our culture, life gets tougher, doesn’t it?

“But those people over there, look at what they are doing. Hear the awful things they are saying.” And again, they may be saying the same thing about you. You can’t control what others are doing. You are only responsible for yourself. In this caustic environment, we need this introspection often.

But hate is dangerous - because evil begets more evil. And the natural tendency is to hate your enemies. Taken to the extreme, you will want to kill all your enemies to achieve what you believe is good.

If you are doing anything that increases the amount of hate -  if you cause other people to hate each other, you are not part of the problem: 

YOU ARE THE PROBLEM

It becomes harder to resist joining the haters every day. Evil people are at work generating enemies for you. Recently, a commentary argued that hating groups of Americans was fine since people have always hated others. He must really enjoy hating people. He knows it's wrong, and yet he attempts to justify his

hatred. But is “there’s always been hate and haters” an acceptable standard? If not, what is the standard?

Of course, THE MAN had something to say about this persistent, destructive human condition:

You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.’  But I say to you, Love your enemies ….

If you think this is difficult for you, the audience this was delivered to was completely surrounded by enemies. One group was persecuting and exploiting them, and the other group wanted to kill them all. We often dismiss this mandate because we may believe it is unattainable. But basically what THE MAN is saying is:

The solution, antidote, remedy, etc., to the evilest destructive force in our world – hate, is the most potent force for good in the universe – love.

At a minimum, even if we can’t love our enemies, it is wrong to hate them. THE BOOK mentions love 686 times, and hate only 127 times. And I doubt any of the 127 portray hate in favorable terms.

All the haters will tell you what they are doing is “for the greater good”, but there is no greater good than love, which includes loving your enemies. Change needs to happen, but change has always needs to happen.  It’s how you get to that change that matters most, and hating people is not the way.

Don’t let the haters turn you into a hater. If you can’t love your enemies, at least show them all the love and respect you can.