Be There

This isn’t going where you think it is …

Many years ago, I worked with Debra, a beautiful, vivacious blonde. She was smart, pleasant, funny, and men would describe her as “sexy”. We became good friends right after she was hired. Our friendship became stronger when she was promoted and I became her boss.

She shared everything with me, including the struggles of being a divorced mother raising her daughter on her own. There were frequent discussions in my office, some with the door closed, but visible to everyone through the glass wall.

And in the office, there were plenty of rumors about the nature of our relationship. One time when a co-worker inquired about our private discussions, Debra replied, “You have husbands and boyfriends to discuss

stuff with; I have Don Ake.”

However, there was never any illicit aspect in the relationship. Even with a strong emotional and physical attraction between us, there were walls. This was the best job Debra ever had, so she was not going to jeopardize it by banging her boss. And I was married, with two young daughters, and I was not going to endanger that, not even for a hot, sexy, blonde.

My relationship with Debra ended when I left the company. I had already turned in my notice when a co-worker couldn’t resist making one more inquiry, said partially in jest, about whether Debra and I were romantically involved. Debra responded by saying, “No, we’ve never done anything, but he’s not my boss anymore, is he?” I got the impression that she may not have been joking.

Even though she was a close friend, I was hesitant to stay in touch. Now that her “wall” was gone, I wasn’t sure I could resist the temptation if she wanted to be more than friends.

I didn’t contact her for over two years, and then only when I was unemployed wanted her help in my job search. And that’s when I learned Debra had committed suicide ten days earlier.

Debra’s life had totally fallen apart. Her ex-husband had finally succeeded in taking their daughter away from her. Debra had entered into a serious relationship with a guy who began physically abusing her. And the result of all these actions was that a beautiful, extraordinary woman was dead.

My sorrow was deep and excruciating. Then came the flood of guilt.  

If only I had called a couple of months ago, maybe I could have saved her.

I just missed … I just missed the funeral.

But who knows what would have happened if I would have called earlier? And maybe I was fortunate not to have seen the casket; it would have burned in my memory forever.  But yet, I am certain that if I hadn’t left the company, Debra would probably be alive today. I was her close friend. I would have known the anguish these horrible events had on her life. I would have defended her, supported her, I would have helped her. I would have been there.

And that’s when the guilt ended and the anger set in. Because even though I wasn’t there, somebody else needed to be. Debra needed someone, anyone, to be there, and no one was. No one. And because no one was there, there was a tragedy.

And please don’t send me emails telling me I shouldn’t feel guilty, because I no longer do. Due to the circumstances, this was not my responsibility, but someone needed to see the situation and act. And this message is not about me; it’s about us. It’s about you.

We have a responsibility to our friends. The Book asks the question, “Am I my brother’s keeper?” within the first few pages. It is not a rhetorical one. As we read through to the last page, we learn that the answer is “Yes, we are our brother’s keeper”, with guidance on how it should be done.

Because sometimes your friends don’t need “someone”, they need YOU. They need your wisdom, your guidance, your life experience, your compassion, your support, maybe just your presence. Sometimes all a person needs to know is that someone, anyone, freakin’ cares about them and what they are going through. Be that person. Be There.

And yes, this will often be inconvenient, time-consuming, uncomfortable and awkward. We will struggle with what to say, what to do, how to help, how to respond. You don’t have to have all the answers. But maybe you know people who can help. Woody Allen is quoted as saying, “eighty percent of success in life is just showing up. It is applicable here. Your presence is much more powerful than you think. No one should have to face their problem, their demons, alone. Show up – Be There.

I never want to cry beside a casket of a friend who needed my help, but never got it. We need to Be There. 

So be there. Please be there. When someone needs you to be there for them, be there. Just be there. Be There.